Black Girls Can’t Be Superheroes? My Kickstarter Adventure – Week 2

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“You have a lot working against you,” Q.T. said.  “You can’t be a witch, a bitch and black, you will lose your entire potential audience.
Black girls can’t be superheroes, it just doesn’t sell.  Then you are using ‘witch’ which scares a lot of black people off and those that do stick around will be offended by the word ‘bitch’,” he casually finished and then sipped his coffee like he had just given me the time.  This was not the time I needed to hear this, considering I am currently running a Kickstarter for a web series featuring a superhero-type character, “The Confessions of a Witch Bitch.”  Although, I went to him to get some suggestions on how to market my Kickstarter campaign better, I was not prepared to be shut down and dismissed.

“So, would it have just been better if I did a show about being a slave or a maid?”  I sarcastically and defensively quipped back.  “Probably,” he mockingly responded.  “Or something religious. Black women in fantasy roles is just not how the world sees you.”

Something inside of me was unsettled after that conversation and when I checked my gut, I realized, a part of me believed him.  Last week was a good week, “The Confessions of a Witch Bitch” received national press on three blogs and I got an interview on one of the top radio shows in Memphis, TN.  We still have about three weeks left in the campaign and about $12,700 more dollars to raise.  Sometimes, I look at that number and think how in the world is that even possible.  Then I look at it again and break it down, “If 508 donated $25 in three weeks, I will make goal.”  It sounds less overwhelming when I think of it like that.

I actually considered “The Confessions of a Witch Bitch” my more “censored” work compared to “Tricks.”, but the title has proven to be a hit or miss.  I’ve thought about changing it to something bland, boring and filled with less charge and every time I consider it, a part of me loses interest in the project.  Being a woman of color who loves science fiction, thrillers, horror and fantasy does not win a lot of fans – initially, but I’ve always believed that if I produced strong work then it would speak for itself.

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The Grudge – Why I Chose to Let Go of Hating Pat…

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I know. I know. It’s been a loooong time. But I promise you there is a good reason. I’ve been working my ass off!!! There isn’t much else I can offer other than that.

But since I am always evolving, I’m always discovering new things about myself and the world around me. And the latest revelation I had is – I really hate holding grudges. It is absolutely exhausting! And recently, that revelation was put to the test.

TheGrudge

I had an opportunity to hate someone (we will call them, “Pat”) and I can name 10 reasons that it would have been justified. And I really, really tried to hate Pat. I said salty things about them, rolled my eyes whenever they were mentioned and became quiet whenever anyone said anything positive about them. However, one night, I went to my regular fight class and found that I could not concentrate. Moves and routines that I could do in my sleep, I was struggling with doing. When I stopped and checked myself, I realize it was because I holding a lot of negative emotions around Pat. I couldn’t punch as hard, I couldn’t jump as high when I kicked, I was no good.

In that moment, I made the decision to let go. My therapist/mentor told me something that really stuck with me – “DeAara, a part of you is trying to seek approval from people you don’t even like.” And that was true. For the most part, I realized that I really didn’t like Pat. Now, I’ve seen Pat be very kind, thoughtful and caring towards others but I’ve also seen them throw shade at people they claim they love, mock “friends” who were not in their presence and repeatedly violate trust and boundaries. So yes, Pat could be kind, but so could Hitler…and we all know how that turned out.

The point is, I realized that a part of me was seeking acceptance from someone that I did not like and who obviously did not like me. So why was I doing this? I’m sure there are a number of childhood variables that play a part and me figuring it out would do no good if I was still suffering. So I decided to work through the pain. And you know what I discovered? It was not about Pat. It was about rejection – and that wound ran deeper than my relationship with Pat ever went. So I worked it and worked it and worked it. And when I got to the other side, in that moment, I felt only compassion for Pat and for myself.

And my energy came back! I realized I was bored with drama, made up stories and misunderstandings. I’m launching a web series, finally marketing my film and getting great results, dating a wonderful man who by all accounts I’m probably going to marry one day. I had no interest in ruminating over something or someone I had no control over.

Inevitably, I will run into Pat again. What will I do? I will speak. I will be myself. If they speak in return, great. If they don’t, no hard feelings. It really is – no thing.

Holding grudges really does trip up other parts of our lives. Letting go doesn’t mean you have to let that person back in, it just means that you open yourself up to the Universe’s blessings and gifts. And that is so much more rewarding than hating someone or seeking the acceptance of a person whom you don’t even like.

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I Just Want a Fucking Burger…

Starting a diet is easy, staying on it is tougher. Sometimes, no matter how healthy the food is, no matter how much weight you’ll lose, by the end of the day, you just want a fucking burger.

Is Your Husband Cheating? What You Mad For?

Women who have ever dealt with a husband/boyfriend cheating and the “other” woman doing everything she can to break you all up will be able to relate to my next “monorhyme” – What You Mad For? This came right out of my personal experience that is well chronicled on this blog.  So if you dig it, give it a thumbs up, leave comments on Youtube and share it!

The Pastor and the Prostitute

When I was writing my film, “Tricks.” I interviewed a woman who shared with me her experience dealing with a Baptist preacher and his congregation who judged her.  I thought it was an excellent story line, but “Tricks.” was already too long and I had to start editing it down and couldn’t add anymore storylines.  I never forgot that story and decided to do something with it when I started producing, “The People Inside My Head.”

Since I do “monorhymes”, I thought was one of the coolest songs to perform this rhythmic monologue to would be Nicki Minaj’s “Beez in the Trap.”  I had meant to do this last year, but it took “The People Inside My Head” a little longer to crank up.  So here it is, watch, share your thoughts and share the video!

Now That George Zimmerman Has Been Acquitted, What Will Black Mothers Tell Their Sons?

Now that George Zimmerman has been acquitted for the murder of Trayvon Martin, what will black”mothers tell their sons? Much has been written about how the verdict and how racial profiling affects young African-American men, but little has been written about how it affects fearful African-American mothers struggling to cope with the verdict.

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Why I Really Thought God Hated Me…Part IV

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Continued from “Why I Really Thought God Hated Me…Part III”

After I released the energy around that situation, my heart started beating even faster. Colors became more vibrant. Sounds more crisp. I didn’t know what was happening, something just told me to stick with it, stay the course. So on December 10, 2012, I decided to do something about my weight for real. I had the exercising down. I had been doing it for two years in fight class and lost 20 pounds while gaining a considerable amount of muscle. But my eating was off. Working out for two hours and then eating a cheeseburger was counter-productive to say the least. I got serious, cleaned out my pantry and stocked up on healthier foods.

Then another set back. One day within my new way of eating, one of my rental properties got completely destroyed by a fire. A day before my birthday! And I so wanted to go to that place again. That dark place. That place that reminds me that God really doesn’t love me and will make sure that I suffer no matter how hard I work to dig myself out of it. But I wouldn’t allow myself to go there. I was in tears as I drove to my rental property, completely furious with the tenant who already was a slow-to-no-payer. I was paying the mortgage on my own often because she didn’t have the rent and now the damn house was on fire?! Why the hell is all of this happening, I thought.

Yet, my parts were working themselves out in the background and something suddenly hit me on the way to the house – I had property insurance. I owed much less on the house than the house was worth, so no matter what, I was covered. Although I was nervous and my heart went out to my tenant who lost everything, I was relieved to know that I wasn’t going to have another huge financial setback. The house was deemed a complete lost and it was totaled, literally. Although I felt sad at the loss of the income, I was relieved I didn’t have to deal with that tenant anymore. Hell, I was relieved I only had one rental property left with a good, timely tenant.

Things slowly picked up after that. I stayed the course with my diet, the weight started to melt off and one day my Facilitator introduced a new technique to me that completely revolutionized the intrapersonal work we were doing. The process went so deep and was so compassionate that I was flooded with tears when we finished. He walked me through a process where I let all of my parts know that I was the love, the light, the joy, the innocence, the courage, the confidence, the creativity, the clarity that they thought they lost. I let them know that I loved and accepted them, no matter how deep their secrets, how dark their shame. And the only mistake they made was forgetting that I (SELF) had always been there. That I will always be there. I was there before conception and I will be there during their transition out of this life and beyond. And that’s when it hit. That’s when I realized that I was God. That’s when it all came together. Everything I had been learning, all the work that I had been doing. I finally got it intuitively, not just intellectually. The hatred, the punishment, the things-never-work-out, nobody-likes-me mentality came from wounded parts in me, not the God in me. God, the Light, the Sun, the Universe or however Ones sees it is incapable of that type of existence.

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