Gossipers and Flies I do Despise…

“What is the concrete, tangible effect?” This is what my Life Coach asked me yesterday when I was expressing my sadness and anger about some people who behaved in some pretty hurtful ways towards me, including making snide remarks behind my back, in my face, trying to sway a group of people to view me with their same bitter and warped projections they had and a part of me felt powerless.

I didn’t understand what he meant until he broke it down. He asked was I in contact with any of these people regularly. No. Do I work for them. No. Are they affecting my ability to create and produce my show. No. Is their behavior influencing how he or my close family or real friends view me. No.

When I really thought about it, all they could do was talk. That’s it. No other violations had taken place and yes, it hurt, but it really showed me who they were, not that I didn’t already know. They weren’t foolish enough to put their hands on me, they just ran their mouth. And if their words can influence the minds of people who have never taken the time to get to know me, those are people who I have no desire to engage with anyway.

The only time it really matters what people say or do is if it has a concrete, tangible effect on One’s life. I can’t make people like me. I can’t make people not gossip about me. I can’t make people understand me, accept me, want to be my friend. I can’t control what ideas they will form about me, what they post, whether or not they speak to me or invite me to something. And yes, it may sting, but I won’t die from it. It is not affecting my ideas, my ability to walk, go to work, eat, breath. At worst, MY feelings are hurt – and that I CAN CONTROL.

The only thing on this planet that we have any type of control over are our perceptions and how we choose to respond to things. That’s it. And I choose to limit my interactions with unworthy witnesses who have nothing better to do than point out all the flaws in others in order to give their own worthless lives some miniscule meaning.

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Is Your Husband Cheating? What You Mad For?

Women who have ever dealt with a husband/boyfriend cheating and the “other” woman doing everything she can to break you all up will be able to relate to my next “monorhyme” – What You Mad For? This came right out of my personal experience that is well chronicled on this blog.  So if you dig it, give it a thumbs up, leave comments on Youtube and share it!

The Pastor and the Prostitute

When I was writing my film, “Tricks.” I interviewed a woman who shared with me her experience dealing with a Baptist preacher and his congregation who judged her.  I thought it was an excellent story line, but “Tricks.” was already too long and I had to start editing it down and couldn’t add anymore storylines.  I never forgot that story and decided to do something with it when I started producing, “The People Inside My Head.”

Since I do “monorhymes”, I thought was one of the coolest songs to perform this rhythmic monologue to would be Nicki Minaj’s “Beez in the Trap.”  I had meant to do this last year, but it took “The People Inside My Head” a little longer to crank up.  So here it is, watch, share your thoughts and share the video!

Now That George Zimmerman Has Been Acquitted, What Will Black Mothers Tell Their Sons?

Now that George Zimmerman has been acquitted for the murder of Trayvon Martin, what will black”mothers tell their sons? Much has been written about how the verdict and how racial profiling affects young African-American men, but little has been written about how it affects fearful African-American mothers struggling to cope with the verdict.

Watch the video, post your thoughts and share.

Why I Really Thought God Hated Me…Part IV

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Continued from “Why I Really Thought God Hated Me…Part III”

After I released the energy around that situation, my heart started beating even faster. Colors became more vibrant. Sounds more crisp. I didn’t know what was happening, something just told me to stick with it, stay the course. So on December 10, 2012, I decided to do something about my weight for real. I had the exercising down. I had been doing it for two years in fight class and lost 20 pounds while gaining a considerable amount of muscle. But my eating was off. Working out for two hours and then eating a cheeseburger was counter-productive to say the least. I got serious, cleaned out my pantry and stocked up on healthier foods.

Then another set back. One day within my new way of eating, one of my rental properties got completely destroyed by a fire. A day before my birthday! And I so wanted to go to that place again. That dark place. That place that reminds me that God really doesn’t love me and will make sure that I suffer no matter how hard I work to dig myself out of it. But I wouldn’t allow myself to go there. I was in tears as I drove to my rental property, completely furious with the tenant who already was a slow-to-no-payer. I was paying the mortgage on my own often because she didn’t have the rent and now the damn house was on fire?! Why the hell is all of this happening, I thought.

Yet, my parts were working themselves out in the background and something suddenly hit me on the way to the house – I had property insurance. I owed much less on the house than the house was worth, so no matter what, I was covered. Although I was nervous and my heart went out to my tenant who lost everything, I was relieved to know that I wasn’t going to have another huge financial setback. The house was deemed a complete lost and it was totaled, literally. Although I felt sad at the loss of the income, I was relieved I didn’t have to deal with that tenant anymore. Hell, I was relieved I only had one rental property left with a good, timely tenant.

Things slowly picked up after that. I stayed the course with my diet, the weight started to melt off and one day my Facilitator introduced a new technique to me that completely revolutionized the intrapersonal work we were doing. The process went so deep and was so compassionate that I was flooded with tears when we finished. He walked me through a process where I let all of my parts know that I was the love, the light, the joy, the innocence, the courage, the confidence, the creativity, the clarity that they thought they lost. I let them know that I loved and accepted them, no matter how deep their secrets, how dark their shame. And the only mistake they made was forgetting that I (SELF) had always been there. That I will always be there. I was there before conception and I will be there during their transition out of this life and beyond. And that’s when it hit. That’s when I realized that I was God. That’s when it all came together. Everything I had been learning, all the work that I had been doing. I finally got it intuitively, not just intellectually. The hatred, the punishment, the things-never-work-out, nobody-likes-me mentality came from wounded parts in me, not the God in me. God, the Light, the Sun, the Universe or however Ones sees it is incapable of that type of existence.

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Why I Really Thought God Hated Me…Part III

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Continued From “Why I Really Thought God Hated Me…Part II”

In 2011, my heart was slowly started to beat again. Fighting and taking medication for insulin-resistance knocked about 20 pounds off of me by that time. I was feeling a little better. And I met somebody. It was such a relief to connect with someone who had a like-mind and spirit, to know that I was still desirable, that I tried not to pay attention to the red flags. But I had been doing my work and I was healing, so I couldn’t put a veil over my eyes like I did in the past. My parts were stronger now, had more clarity, loved me too much and after 7 months, that relationship ended. Initially, I went into panic mode. “Oh no, am I going to mourn him as long as I mourned my Ex before him?” “Is this breakup going to cripple and stall me the way the one before him did?” I was just getting my creativity back. I was writing again. I was slowly acting again. I was going to have to go through this shit all over again? I was devastated at the thought. I did go into a funk after the break up. But something odd happened – I only mourned it very deeply for about two weeks. This was unusual for me, because I’ve taken break ups hard in the past. After two weeks, however, I just couldn’t really get my hip into being sad over it. I examined the data and knew that, that was not a connection that was meant to be on that level. I got what I needed from it and I let it go. And that was the first real testament to the work that I was doing. I had no way of intellectually knowing how that was going to play out. But I had been working tirelessly on healing my inner parts so much so that SELF was able to step in and took care of it for me.

During this time, although I started getting better, I had a huge set back – my producing partner and one my best friends, Rod Pitts, had died at the age of 37. I went into a complete panic mode and the panic attacks hit an all-time high. I became compulsive about illness and disease. Every time a family member got sick, I panicked. And looking shit up on the internet didn’t make it any better. Someone connected to one of my family members was very insensitive and cruel about it. She didn’t understand what was going on, probably didn’t care and attempted to attack and shame me when one of my panic attacks happened in her presence. It was actually my grandmother who recognized that the attacks were very largely due to my friend mysteriously getting sick. And once again, I rolled up my sleeves and begin to work tirelessly through that pain with my facilitator. And my heart beat sped up even more as I released the pain and gave myself permission to really mourn his loss.

With Rod’s death and my latest breakup, I really had no desire to date. But I did have a strong desire to create. I fiend to be back on stage again, to be producing another movie, to be writing. I wanted to give “Tricks” its final push into the world so that I could release it. I was anxious to get “The People Inside My Head” off of the ground. My heart begin to beat faster. Soon enough I found myself waking up daily excited about life. It was slow, it was cautious, but it was there. I knew I wasn’t dead. I wasn’t a zombie.

Then another set back. A group I was a part of had issues with how I handled the promotion of an event we were producing. One of the members approached me in what I believed to be a very disrespectful and condescending way. I was hurt, shocked, embarrassed and disappointed in myself. If he approached me this way, it could only be because the others had discussed their issues about me amongst themselves, I thought. The thought of that was very humiliating. How could I have dropped the ball on this and have an entire group hating me? In the past, I would have probably sucked up the email and tried to appease the person who was upset with me. But that was no longer who I was, my parts were working themselves out in the background and I didn’t want to do that anymore. I couldn’t. I was a different person. A person who ran to the roar instead of away from it. So I emailed this person back and called them out on what I believed their intentions were and set some very firm boundaries with how to approach me if there is conflict in the future. And I held myself accountable for the part that I played and my part only.

I was very hurt about what happened, very disappointed in myself. I was doing all of this work, how could I drop the ball on something so important where so many people were counting on me? My facilitator reminded me that shit happens and that’s how I learn from it. He commended me for holding myself accountable for my part while not taking on the burdens of others. And that’s when I made a decision I would leave the group at the end of the year. I learned a lot about choosing my time wisely and not over staying my welcome in any situation. And not to be so hard on myself when I mess up, because I will mess up. And shit does happens.

Click Here to Read Part 4 of “Why I Really Thought God Hated Me.”

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Why I Really Thought God Hated Me…Part II

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Continued from “Why I Really Thought God Hated Me…Part I”
Then, after watching “KickAss” I decided to pursue something I’ve wanted to do since I was a child – martial arts and boxing. I went to a school that teaches Krav Maga, an Israeli form of martial arts and street fighting, watched a few classes and decided this was what I wanted to do.

My creativity was still low. I was still mourning my last relationship but ended up becoming close with a good friend who really helped me learn to embrace intimacy and connection again. For a long time, because I was so unhappy in the relationship with my Ex and so many emotional and physical boundaries had been violated, I forgot what it felt like to be touched in a caring, intimate way and be open to it. Although things didn’t work out romantically between my friend and I, we still remain close friends and I credit him with helping me bring myself back to life in that area.

My producing partner, Rod, was still sick and paralyzed in the hospital. “Tricks” was stalled. I had no drive to promote it. I had no drive to create any new projects. The only things I could do during this time was go to fight class and go to therapy. Those were the only two things that made sense to me. Everything else was on autopilot. And there were some consequences that I paid for that. I lost some opportunities. Some opportunities I had did not go well because my heart wasn’t in it. My heart wasn’t in anything really, a big part of me was still dead inside. I hid it a lot around friends and colleagues. I mean I was writing a blog called, “Do It Scared”, so to many of them I think they thought I had it all figured out based on my writings. In actuality, I was still figuring it out, coming up short a lot of the time. I was always open with my feelings but they never knew how bad I was suffering. How sometimes I had to will myself to get out of bed. How on some days, I didn’t want to live. Weekends were the worst. It was like the hollowness of a drum echoing loudly, reminding me of how alone I was.

But I stuck with my Facilitator, once a week and worked on my own on other days. I forced myself to work through my feelings when they came on the strongest, when it hurt the worst, when the emotions were the most grim. I was terrified, but I figured me going inside and facing the pain couldn’t be any worse than what I was already feeling.

And one thing I began to realize is that many of my problems were working themselves out in the background. What I mean by this is that although I wouldn’t always feel an immediate change, parts would still be healing in my subconscious. This thing is measured in millimeters. Very tiny parts heal at a time and then it starts to add up.

Click Here to Read Part 3 of “Why I Really Thought God Hated Me.”

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