• DeAara Lewis

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Why I Really Thought God Hated Me…Part IV

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Continued from “Why I Really Thought God Hated Me…Part III”

After I released the energy around that situation, my heart started beating even faster. Colors became more vibrant. Sounds more crisp. I didn’t know what was happening, something just told me to stick with it, stay the course. So on December 10, 2012, I decided to do something about my weight for real. I had the exercising down. I had been doing it for two years in fight class and lost 20 pounds while gaining a considerable amount of muscle. But my eating was off. Working out for two hours and then eating a cheeseburger was counter-productive to say the least. I got serious, cleaned out my pantry and stocked up on healthier foods.

Then another set back. One day within my new way of eating, one of my rental properties got completely destroyed by a fire. A day before my birthday! And I so wanted to go to that place again. That dark place. That place that reminds me that God really doesn’t love me and will make sure that I suffer no matter how hard I work to dig myself out of it. But I wouldn’t allow myself to go there. I was in tears as I drove to my rental property, completely furious with the tenant who already was a slow-to-no-payer. I was paying the mortgage on my own often because she didn’t have the rent and now the damn house was on fire?! Why the hell is all of this happening, I thought.

Yet, my parts were working themselves out in the background and something suddenly hit me on the way to the house – I had property insurance. I owed much less on the house than the house was worth, so no matter what, I was covered. Although I was nervous and my heart went out to my tenant who lost everything, I was relieved to know that I wasn’t going to have another huge financial setback. The house was deemed a complete lost and it was totaled, literally. Although I felt sad at the loss of the income, I was relieved I didn’t have to deal with that tenant anymore. Hell, I was relieved I only had one rental property left with a good, timely tenant.

Things slowly picked up after that. I stayed the course with my diet, the weight started to melt off and one day my Facilitator introduced a new technique to me that completely revolutionized the intrapersonal work we were doing. The process went so deep and was so compassionate that I was flooded with tears when we finished. He walked me through a process where I let all of my parts know that I was the love, the light, the joy, the innocence, the courage, the confidence, the creativity, the clarity that they thought they lost. I let them know that I loved and accepted them, no matter how deep their secrets, how dark their shame. And the only mistake they made was forgetting that I (SELF) had always been there. That I will always be there. I was there before conception and I will be there during their transition out of this life and beyond. And that’s when it hit. That’s when I realized that I was God. That’s when it all came together. Everything I had been learning, all the work that I had been doing. I finally got it intuitively, not just intellectually. The hatred, the punishment, the things-never-work-out, nobody-likes-me mentality came from wounded parts in me, not the God in me. God, the Light, the Sun, the Universe or however Ones sees it is incapable of that type of existence.

I made a decision to live life in the moment, take it as it comes and really learn to fucking enjoy myself; let go more and just enjoy the ride. Set backs have continued, but my response to them has been different. I have unplugged from friends and family members whose love was not reciprocal. And truly embrace those who have loved and supported me even when I hated myself the most. It was difficult, but it was very empowering. I made another decision to stand on my own, within my own voice, my own convictions whether others agree with them or not. I also made a decision to fight for who I am and never ever again let anybody convince me that I am anything less than what my loving God sees me as.

Now “Tricks” is moving full steam ahead again. “The People Inside My Head” debuts this month and I have lost two dress sizes and completely lost the 50 lbs that I gained more than three years ago when I was caught up in that toxic relationship. I earned my first belt in Krav Maga and am working on my second with the goal of becoming a black belt. People have been telling me a lot lately that I am glowing. I don’t have a boyfriend nor am I pregnant, I am just really fucking happy. Even when I have moments of sadness, anger, bitterness, confusion, regret, doubt, at my base, I am committed to being happy. I am creating again. That’s when I am the closet to God and I honestly think that’s what we were put here to do – create. To do the thing that God/Universe/Light did for us, created us. I wake up almost every morning excited. And when I do wake up sad or afraid or angry, I have tools that I can use and a support system, including a wonderful Spiritual Advisor,  who I can go to, to work through those feelings.

Here’s what I know because I lived it – We are a product of our own thoughts, feelings and beliefs about ourselves. That’s an ingredient and power of God. If we think God hates us, it’s because a part of us hates ourselves and everything in our existence will show up to support that belief. Yes, fucked up things have happened in my life. My father was not a consistent part of it and took in another family that I never felt accepted by – my sisters and I got mistreated with no consequences to the person who mistreated us. I was picked on and targeted A LOT because I was different, had a big personality, lived my life out loud, wore my heart on my sleeve and was/am very ambitious. One of my best friends died in 2012, I gained over 50 pounds and there is a 20% chance I may develop MS or sarcadosis later in life. And I got through all of it. And still, I am here. In spite of my many challenges, I am still standing. And I am loving being here. Life is truly about perspective.

I had to go back inside and reprogram myself.  I’m still doing that.  And sometimes, I still will go to that dark, lonely place, just nowadays, I don’t stay there as long.  It will probably take a lifetime to figure all of this out and heal from it, but every little bit I get back of mySELF, I have no choice but to shout and shine.

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12 Responses

  1. I do appreciate the “self-cleansing” experience that you’re sharing here. I would say that it is probably as healing as anything else that you’ve subjected yourself to in your effort to stop feeling those particularly negative feelings.
    I have learned that what a person is feeling is ‘right’ for them to feel and that it is never wrong to ‘feel’ the way they feel. The thing is questioning weather they want to feel that way and what can they do to change that feeling.
    Well, you’ve taken what you feel is appropriate action to change some feelings that had the potential of sweeping you away! Lord knows we, friends, would not have known exactly what had happened if the darling person we know you to be had “disappeared” into an abyss!
    So, as you continue to seek more peaks and experience fewer valleys, I for one stand ready to applaud, hug, appreciate, empathize, lovingly criticize, stand-with, protect or anything else that you might require of a friend who loves and cares for you!
    You are among a very few people who I feel deserves the best that life has to offer as reward for the efforts you put forth to achieve your dreams. Keep it up, real and loving!

  2. I love your blogs. I can tell from how they read the progress you have made. Keep looking inward.

    • Thank you so much Lottalox! It means so much to me that you of all people see the transformation. I don’t base my progress on the validation of others, but I certainly make an exception for you. ❤

  3. Omg! This was VERY motivating and cleansing to me. I saw a LOT of myself in your words and descriptions. I need a facilitator! I very much enjoyed reading this and look forward to reading more. A lot of my friends tell me i need to start a blog. I really want to. I have a lot to say. Lol good luck and keep up the great work my sistah!!!

    • Thank you so much Donna! I encourage anybody to start a blog! For me, it gives me a platform to express my thoughts and things I’ve gone through and hopefully inspire as well as entertain others! I’m glad you enjoyed it and I’m working on blogging more often.

  4. Grandmother Sara Lewis on June 10, 2013

    I see the healing and the constantly emerging strength and transformations that are occurring. I know how you have always viewed yourself and how you view that others view you; through their prisms But most of all I see you coming of age and willing to stand, assert and represent who you are and what you believe and what you will and will not stand for. I see a beautiful and bold and brave and talented and creative and courageous young woman who just happens to be black and who just decided that she is going to define who and what she is and does and with whom and how she does what she does and why!!!!

  5. DeAara this was beautiful and enlightening. Thank you for sharing your struggle and triumph with us. I can certainly identify with all of it. I love you and I wish you the very best.

    • Hi Ronda!
      Thank you for your feedback! I’m glad that you enjoyed it and could relate to it. I figured a lot of people have been there and it was just a matter of putting it out there. Sending you light and love! 🙂

  6. Wow D, what an amazing story! I recall our talks a few years back and I was one of the people that thought you had everything under control. We didn’t become close friends but we shared a bond as writers. I recall being envious of your fighting class and vowed that I would try it myself because you told me how much you liked it and how it helped you to have a new identity as well as with the weight. We would bounce poems off each other and I always looked forward to your response. I kept writing and then you simply disappeared. I found it odd but now I understand. I’m amazed to see your blog because I started one as well, a few years ago. As you profoundly stated, blogging helps the writer and it also helps the readers. I’m glad that you are back, you are healthy, and you are FREE! Keep creating, keep living, and keep being you. No one else can do THAT better because you are the subject matter expert on living DeAara’s life. I’m also going through a life transition and reading your blog helped me as well.

    Thank you,

    D. Christopher Harvey

    • Hi D.!

      Thank you so much for your thoughts and insight! Yes, I do remember us connecting and I really enjoyed it. As your observed, things got very hectic and I retreated for a little while. Slowly making my way back onto the scene and I look forward to re-connecting with you!

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