Why I Really Thought God Hated Me…Part II

Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to Yahoo BuzzAdd to Newsvine

Continued from “Why I Really Thought God Hated Me…Part I”
Then, after watching “KickAss” I decided to pursue something I’ve wanted to do since I was a child – martial arts and boxing. I went to a school that teaches Krav Maga, an Israeli form of martial arts and street fighting, watched a few classes and decided this was what I wanted to do.

My creativity was still low. I was still mourning my last relationship but ended up becoming close with a good friend who really helped me learn to embrace intimacy and connection again. For a long time, because I was so unhappy in the relationship with my Ex and so many emotional and physical boundaries had been violated, I forgot what it felt like to be touched in a caring, intimate way and be open to it. Although things didn’t work out romantically between my friend and I, we still remain close friends and I credit him with helping me bring myself back to life in that area.

My producing partner, Rod, was still sick and paralyzed in the hospital. “Tricks” was stalled. I had no drive to promote it. I had no drive to create any new projects. The only things I could do during this time was go to fight class and go to therapy. Those were the only two things that made sense to me. Everything else was on autopilot. And there were some consequences that I paid for that. I lost some opportunities. Some opportunities I had did not go well because my heart wasn’t in it. My heart wasn’t in anything really, a big part of me was still dead inside. I hid it a lot around friends and colleagues. I mean I was writing a blog called, “Do It Scared”, so to many of them I think they thought I had it all figured out based on my writings. In actuality, I was still figuring it out, coming up short a lot of the time. I was always open with my feelings but they never knew how bad I was suffering. How sometimes I had to will myself to get out of bed. How on some days, I didn’t want to live. Weekends were the worst. It was like the hollowness of a drum echoing loudly, reminding me of how alone I was.

But I stuck with my Facilitator, once a week and worked on my own on other days. I forced myself to work through my feelings when they came on the strongest, when it hurt the worst, when the emotions were the most grim. I was terrified, but I figured me going inside and facing the pain couldn’t be any worse than what I was already feeling.

And one thing I began to realize is that many of my problems were working themselves out in the background. What I mean by this is that although I wouldn’t always feel an immediate change, parts would still be healing in my subconscious. This thing is measured in millimeters. Very tiny parts heal at a time and then it starts to add up.

Click Here to Read Part 3 of “Why I Really Thought God Hated Me.”

Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to Yahoo BuzzAdd to Newsvine

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: