• DeAara Lewis

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Why I Really Thought God Hated Me…Part I

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For a long time I thought God hated me. I thought the Universe hated me. I thought Life hated me. I thought that whatever the joy that other people had, clearly was not intended for me. I could not understand why so many bad things had happened in my life and I worked so hard to be a good person.

About three years ago, my relationship ended bitterly, the guy ended up marrying the woman he cheated on me with and who harassed me all while boasting about how she had “taken” my man. I had to file bankruptcy. I had gained close to 50 pounds. I had a case of acne on the side of my face that would not clear up. My film “Tricks” hadn’t taken off the way I wanted it to and my producing partner of my film and other projects developed a strange illness that left him completely paralyzed from the neck down. I began to see for the first time how my presence truly was not welcomed nor desired at one of my relative’s home at a time when I needed them the most. And this was just my 2010.

In 2011, I temporarily lost my vision in my right eye. To this day, the doctors don’t know the reason why. All I know is I have to have MRI’s every two years to check for Multiple Sclerosis, because optic neuritis (which is what I had) is a symptom.

In 2010, when I looked around, everybody seemed to have a better life than I did. For a while, I hoped to meet someone who could help me take my mind off of the mourning I was experiencing during the end of that particular relationship. I mean, he found a relationship right away, hell, even before ours ended. And despite all of the shenanigans “the other woman” pulled, despite how unhappy he seemed to be, despite how he lied and turned me into this enemy accusing me of cheating on him too (which was a lie), they remained together. And I couldn’t even find a “friend.” Yep, God hated me. He/She was punishing me for something I did in a previous life, something for which I had absolutely no control over now and he/she was not recognizing who I was now, the kind of heart I had now – that is really what a part of me believed.

Also in 2010, I started regularly seeing a facilitator/therapist whom I met a few years before through my father and really connected with. He wasn’t about just talking about my problems, he was about working through them, going into my memory bank, finding the origin, getting to the core and unburdening those parts that carried negative beliefs and judgements about who I was. He was about learning to let SELF lead and all other parts follow.

This was very, very hard work. I was learning a totally different way to relate to who I was. I’ve had a load of experience in intrapersonal work, but it was usually touch-and-go. Do a process here and there and spend the rest of my time trying to figure things out and solve my emotional problems from an intellectual point-of-view. In 2010, when I went back to him all bitter and broken up over the ending of my relationship he told me, “If you are serious about this, you are going to have to come regularly. You can’t come one week and then not show up for three months like you’ve been doing. It won’t work that way.” Afterwards, I made a commitment to work with him on a weekly basis.

As I stated, it was hard work. And at first, I wasn’t sure if anything was different. I was very slowly starting to feel different, but things outwardly were not changing. I was still carrying around an extra 50 pounds in addition to the weight I was already trying to lose, a part of me still had panic attacks about my Ex, I had zero-dating life, and I started questioning certain family dynamics that never seemed quite fair and actually downright wrong.

Click Here to Read Part 2 of “Why I Really Thought God Hated Me.”

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