• DeAara Lewis

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There is Just Some Shit I Will Not Eat…


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As I continue on this journey of love, growth and the freedom to be free, I find myself constantly facing various challenges.  One theme that has consistently been showing up in my life is setting boundaries.  After a very deep betrayal a few years ago, I committed to that being first and foremost what I worked on the most.

This journey has not been easy.  I like to be liked.  Which is somewhat ironic considering the temper I have when I believe I have been crossed or violated.  But I do.  And it was that wanting to be liked that has gotten me into some sticky situations in the past.

Fear of humiliation is one of the top barriers to human growth and evolution.  And in my line of work (entertainment), One has to be willing to get embarrassed in order to grow, it comes with the territory.  So combine my fear of humiliation with my desire to be liked and it’s easy to see I severely clipped my wings for a long time.

Since I made a committment to resolve this, I started taking baby steps in doing so.  I said, “No,” more frequently without offering a reason.  I stood up to someone who had mistreated myself and some of my relatives for years.  I finally ended a friendship with someone I sincerely loved and will probably always love in some capacity because they consistently violated my trust and broke their word.

I also started going easy on myself showing more compassion when I made an error.  If others attempted to shame me due to their wounds, I would call them on their behavior and more importantly work through not internalizing their projections of me.  And this was no easy task!

And as I continued to do this work I remembered what my therapist has been telling me all along about compassion and why it is so important.  We are human, we will all fuck and let one another down.  It just comes with the territory.  Compassion is showing grace.  It is being willing to see another Being as flawed, just like we would want another Being to see us.  It’s loving ourselves enough to hold ourselves accountable, but not ridicule in the process.  And setting boundaries becomes much easier, because more than likely, telling someone who attempts to shame and control you, “There is just some shit I will not eat,” is empowering!  And One will, as I did, discover that I didn’t die from it.

Ridiculing, shaming, demonizing, and ostracizing are all attempts at control.  At the core, these tactics are used  by people who have a sense of powerlessness at least in that moment.  We all have done them at one point or another when we got triggered.  Know that you will not die from telling someone in essence that they have to treat you with regard and respect.  Now they may not do it (seldom is this the case) or their may be consequences.

One of my relatives was banned from someone’s house for setting a very clear boundary after they believed they had been violated.  It will happen.  But I had to learn to ask myself, “What is more important? Being liked or being respected and knowing my worth?”  In the end, the latter won.

Usually however, the opposite happens when setting boundaries.  People like and respect you more.  And an amazing gift comes with it, you are free.  You don’t have to pretend to be someone who you are not and you have a good idea of where you stand with others.  It makes connecting with people much more relaxing and enjoyable because you’re not on edge wondering what to do or say in order not offend someone.  And isn’t that the life most of all strive to live?

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One Response

  1. I know what you mean, it is just too hard to act like someone else all of the time. If too much time passes by, the true me is coming out regardless. But sometimes it’s not so cut and dry. Sometimes, you fall out with those who you once respected or held in high esteem- when ppl that close to you violate you you have to get through the pain of their misdeed before you can ever clear up whatever confusion was there in the first place. Holding a grudge can manifest itself physically; so its better to take a chance on losing a close friend, family member or co worker than to lose your life or livelihood.

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