• DeAara Lewis

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The Dating Down Syndrome – An Independent Woman’s Memoir on Clipping Her Wings to be Loved…Part II

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Continued from The Dating Down Syndrome – An Independent Woman’s Memoir on Clipping Her Wings to be Loved…Part I

Now I know what some of you “liberated” “anti-system” folks may be thinking, “Just because a guy does not open the door doesn’t make him selfish. Those are old ways that promote inferiority amongst women. Today’s woman is independent, self-sufficient and wants to be treated like an equal. So being treated like an equal comes with certain losses.”

A woman wants to and fights to be treated like an equal in the work place. A woman expects and deserves to be treated like an equal at home but first and foremost, a woman wants to be treated like a woman. In a relationship, it’s not always about being fair, it’s about being cherished.

And I seriously doubt if anyone in this country grew up on a small deserted island where there was no concept of chivalry. So what I’m saying is, yes, the practice is probably rooted in an expired tradition. Yes, its history probably suggests that women are somewhat helpless. But that’s not what it represents today. And men who do not do it usually often have much deeper character flaws when it comes to how they treat women and how they behave in relationships.

Another value that is deeply important to me in a relationship is a man who works and earns his own keep. This is a tricky area for me I must admit. Being an artist, especially when making the decision to go for One’s career full time, people often have to go for the “unemployed” status in order to do so. Work is sporadic and unpredictable and sometimes, especially in acting, a person can go for months without a gig.

I’ve never been a woman who didn’t understand that because it’s a sacrifice I will one day to make quite soon as well. So those are not the type of men I am speaking of. I am speaking of the ones who choose not to work because in their deluded head, they are somehow “bucking the system.” They despise the construct of this country so much so, they will not work for “The Man”, however they have no problem depending on other people who do so.

Or the artist who is starving in vain. The one who will only focus on his career, to hell with everyone and everything else, but is making little headway. On the outside, it looks as if they are going hard and it’s only a matter of time before they get their break, but if you look a little closer, you see they aren’t doing as much as they claim.

If you look even closer, you see that the only career they have made is living off of others. Their “career” attempts are sporadic. When things don’t work out as quickly as they want them to, they fall into a well of complacency. They become gnarly and snappish when someone suggests any form of stability, seeing it as giving up their dream. They become bitter and resentful when others are successful and they react passive aggressively. Like leaving a post it note or posting seemingly random lyrics in Facebook groups laced with innuendos.

They pass on opportunities because they are too important and talented to do the “small stuff”, not realizing that working in their field could actually be the door opener they need. They live barebones, only heeding to the essentials as if the success Gods are going to bless them with victory because they have deliberately suffered. And they look down on anyone who chooses to go at it differently with more “stability” in place.

Like Carrie’s Berger, it is difficult for them to give praise to the woman they are seeing. Her success further becomes a cancer in his life, magnifying his feelings of inadequacies. And what does the woman often do? What did I do? Tried to play it down. I noticed that whenever I brought up anything that was important to my career, a guy I once dated would become silent. However, when I brought up anything about his, he would come back to life. His behavior became so mechanical and predictable that I could have placed a lottery bet on it. Yet, whenever I brought it up to him, he would deny it and attempt to condemn me for being “needy.”

Lastly, one value that I don’t think women pay enough attention to is emotional literacy or even know what it looks like for that matter. The reason being, many women don’t have a healthy concept of it themselves. If anything has served as a deal breaker in my past relationships, it has been my refusal to compromise on this last one. Granted, how I went about trying to have an “emotionally open” relationship was not always the best way, I truly cannot see myself being happy “shutting up and singing.”

Men in this society have been taught to exile their most vulnerable parts. I am a member of a group who helps men as well as others, face their vulnerable parts – the scared children inside. Yes, this phrase has become pop psychology over the past decades; the “inner child” or “I was abused as a child” phrases seem to serve more as an excuse than a reason for many people’s behavior. However, it doesn’t make it any less true.

The majority of the things that happen to us as an adult are direct results of things that happened to us as children. Those were our first models on how to relate. And many children, especially boys, were taught to suppress their more sensitive parts.

Being in a relationship and not addressing these things; Operating with pink elephants in the room and not acknowledging them are no-no’s for me. And I hope it becomes no-no’s for many of you.

So what have I learned? To stick to my guns. Trust my instincts. Learn how to clear the chatter so I can actually hear what my instincts are saying. And shine. Shine bright and wide and damn the consequences. Like I always say, the Real Ones, will see you and rise up to meet you. The little boys will fade away and find someone to reinforce their pain, feed their wounded, needy egos and continue to enable and cosign their stagnation.

P.S. Switch the sexes as you see fit 😉

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One Response

  1. Hey Lady

    Great blog! You really opened up and revealed yourself, you should never compromise but we all know that we have been there at one point or another. It is almost like you have to have one or the other you cannot have both because society has not matured to the level of separating out work and play.

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