• DeAara Lewis

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Sometimes Rejection Can Be the Best Thing That Can Happen to You…

All rejection and conflict is not necessarily a negative thing.  I remember last year thinking 2011 was going to be my year.  And it was, just not so much in the way I necessarily wanted starting out.

As I already chronicled in this blog, I temporarily lost my vision, illness hit my family left and right, old drama revisited my life and some of my friendships and family connections ended.

Yeah, that was definitely a way to start out the first six months of the year.  However, as I’ve often stated, I continued to do my work and although I had some stressful situations happen, I also had some very positive things happen as well.

Now looking back, it was actually as if the negative things happened for a reason.  The old drama that flared up in early spring put closure to something I had dearly wanted resolution on.  It put someone whom I once considered a friend in a more truthful light and any doubts that I had about how repugnant they really were, was put to rest.  And although I felt deep sadness about how deluded and cowardly they had become, I felt thankful knowing that was a connection and a situation I know longer had to deal with.

I lost a couple of more friends as well and disconnected from some family members.  One situation, if I could go back in time, I would have handled differently.  I didn’t regret confronting them about their behavior, but I do regret my approach.  I was very sad that they had chosen to end our friendship too, because that was something I didn’t want.  I just wanted that person to take a look at their behavior and my confronting them must have set off something deeper.

The last friend I lost, I can honestly say I did not see that one coming and that was probably the loss that was the most hurtful because I never got a reason.  All I saw was a very immature, ignorant, and passive aggressive response from someone they were relative to on a social media site and had to put two and two together.

The first thing I had to do was take a look at myself.  I asked myself was there something about me, something I did or said to have lost these people in my life, something I had done or that I do that pushes some people away.

That was a hard question to ask myself because my ego came up quite a bit.  But when I relaxed and looked at different parts of myself in a very nonjudgemental and compassionate way, I was able to see myself much clearer.

Truth be told, there are some things about myself that I could stand to change in response to how I relate to some people. Some things I had already started changing when all of this occurred.  Sometimes I could be very blunt and not consider how my words affected others.  Sometimes, I could be too passive and not set clear boundaries and then find myself avoiding someone because I didn’t feel like dealing with their baggage.

Sometimes, I could get so caught up in my own world, my ambitions, my career, the soap opera of my life that I wasn’t available when a friend needed me.

I was very thankful for the situations that happened so that I could see these things and made a committment to work on them.  Taking a look at how I show up also forced me to take a look at how these people showed up as well.  And truth be told, overall, I didn’t really like it.

I even had a couple of family members disconnect, some I was trying to get to know, but they had a problem with my views about life and how I chose to express them.  That’s when I also decided I was no longer going to censor who I was.  Yes it was hurtful that I could not get to know these people, but if getting to know them meant biting my tongue, always having to watch what I say so I would not offend them (however this did not apply the other way around), then those were relationships I did not need nor relationships I desired.

With my former friends, there was behavior that I peeped that was very unstable and disloyal and I tried to turn a blind eye to because I didn’t want to lose the connections, but I could never totally let it go.  There was bashing of my nephew by one former friend.  Something I tried to forgive, but never forgave totally.  After that situation happened, my sister (my nephew’s mother) ended nearly all ties with this person, only dealt with them on an as-need-to basis and encouraged me to do the same because she smelled a snake.  But at the time, I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt.

There were the unspoken guilt trips that I judged were placed upon me since someone had been there for me through a very difficult time and now tried to force the reciprocation from me.  There were the victim stories that I noticed; that no matter what happened in some of these people’s lives, it was seldom through any actions or fault of their own.

There was the gossip from another one.  The negative and highly critical things I had to think back on that was said about others who were considered friends.  I distinctly remember having the thought, “If they talk about this person like this to me, I can only imagine what they say about me to others.”

And I also realized I had already started connecting with other people.  People whom I had better, healthier connections.  My old friends were still there as well, in spite of the drama we had gone through in the past.

My life coach was actually the first person who pointed all of this out to me.

So just know that people ex’ing you from their lives is not necessarily a bad thing.  Many times, it needed to happen, perhaps they just had the courage to do it first.  All relationships are not meant to last a lifetime and you don’t want to have to tip-toe around anybody for fear that you will offend them and a conflict will occur.

I do, however, encourage you to take a look at yourself if that happens in an ego free way and see if there is anything about yourself that, that person may have been right about; something you could stand to change.

This is something that I do, and sometimes my ego does come up and I just ask it to step aside, because living in integrity is far greater than being right.  Being at peace is far more important than being right.

The work that I have been doing with my life coach for close to two years now is finally starting to rear its benefits.  I have been making very healthy connections with people and it has actually been quite effortless.  Some of my older friendships have improved because I am willing to look at the part I play in those relationships.

I can change no one but myself.  But if I change on the inside, for the better, so does my outside world.  The people who were no good for me simply removed themselves from my life.  I didn’t have to do anything.

I have a very low tolerance for bullshit now.  When I sense lack of character, lack of integrity, toxicity, severe unstableness or shadiness in someone, it is a connection I quickly end.  I am done with giving toxic people the benefit of the doubt.

So I start off this New Year in knowing that I am who I am.  No apologies.  I can be very blunt and direct when I want to be and sometimes I go through periods when I don’t want to be bothered.  My real family (which is not defined by blood for me) and friends accept this about me and love me anyway.  They have the courage to tell me when I have done something that they don’t like.  They have the compassion to listen to me when I express to them my dislikes in something they may have done.

They don’t behave passive aggressively with me; they don’t share things I’ve told them in confidence, out of context with foreign people, they don’t cease talking to me without giving me a reason or pretending it is a reason other than what it really is, they don’t delete me on their social media sites when I post something that they may not necessarily agree with and they don’t allow their friends or relatives to get into the middle of a conflict that is going on between us if one should arise.  Those are the type of people I like hanging with and the relationships I cherish and those are the relationships I will nurture in 2012 and beyond.


2 Responses

  1. Here! Here! DeAara!!

    Every moment and step is how it is supposed to be in the journey! To be able to view it, get it and keep moving forward is where we gain insight and wisdom!

    Game on … Naw >
    Journey on sis journey on!!!

    Peace n Pit Bulls!!

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