You Never Know Where it’s Coming From…You Never Know Who You’re Going to Love…

Over the past couple of years, my life has taken many new twists and turns.  Some very painful, some very surprising and some very joyful.  As I creep closer and closer to another birth anniversary and closer to a new year, I’ve looked back at my entire life as if it was someone else living it.

I have had some lows, some things that didn’t happen the way I wanted them to, some things happened just the way I wanted them to and many things remain in the abyss of the unknown.  Some major things I did not expect to happen was going through probably the worst betrayal in my life, filing bankruptcy, temporarily losing my vision in my right eye, illness continuously striking my family so much so, it never seemed like it would end; watching one of my dearest friends go into full paralysis in a matter of hours and learning that my dog more than likely has canine breast cancer.  Yes, life for me over the past couple of years (probably a little longer) had not been a crystal stair.

But I fought hard for myself.  I went and sought help when I felt like giving up on life.  I decided to return to something I’ve always enjoyed doing – martial arts.  I’m also slowly returning to what I love doing the most – performing.  And I got busy and learned how to market myself and my work and work every single day on living an honest life with complete integrity.

Some days I didn’t know what I was doing all of this for, but for some reason, I couldn’t stop.  I still meet weekly with my Life Coach and have been doing so for two years.  I’ve been practicing martial arts for over a year now and although I went through the bouts of a broken toe, have continued to get better and better.  My sister’s Youtube presence is quickly growing due to the videos and concepts we produce and I am gearing up to do the same as a way to expand my platform and brand.  My film “Tricks” is still selling and I am finally at the point that I can make a major push online with it.  Something I have been wanting to do for quite some time.  And as I develop my other scripts, I now am armed with much more knowledge, innovation and dedicated drive.

I honestly don’t think any of this would have been possible if I hadn’t gone through everything I went through, even the things that didn’t seem to directly connect.

Probably one of the most surprising turns in my life, one I totally, without a doubt did not see coming is that I met someone very special.  I was quite reluctant initially when we first started talking.  I was very honest with him about my past relationship (he had been reading this blog anyway, so he already had a clue, lol) and gently explained that this was an area that I tread very carefully in.

And to my surprise, he was very understanding.  He didn’t pry or attempt to get more information out of me than what I wanted to give and he was very patient.  More importantly, he was not judgmental.  Many people warn about talking about your past relationship with your new mate, but I knew that if we had any chance of genuinely connecting, I needed to be honest with him about that so he could understand if I seemed standoffish, distant or a little afraid.

Initially, I assumed he was just a typical guy or the typical guys I was use to meeting.  I was waiting for that red flag to reveal itself so I could have a reason to run.  But it never did.  And things that I assumed were red flags was from my own misconceptions.  He was very honest with me also when we first started talking.  He had confessed that he had a near death experience about six years ago.  Seeing him in person, you wouldn’t guess it, but hearing his perceptions about life – his honesty and his firm commitment to living a life full of peace, honesty and integrity is simply breath-taking and refreshing.

In the beginning, due to my own fears, I did run.  And even in that, although he was hurt, he was still patient with me.  Fearing that I had pushed away a really good guy, I went inside and dealt with my fears.  I had no intention of asking him to return to me, but as a woman who values her word, I did have to apologize for my behavior and that I did.

And once again he was understanding and even told me, “You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”  I think that was the night I truly fell in love with him.

We made a pact with one another to let each other be who we are.  I know that I can be bossy at times and try to run other people’s lives and I warned him about this and just asked him if he judged that I was doing that, to let me know.  He shared some of his flaws with me and asked me to be patient with him also and so far, it has been the most beautiful connection I have ever had.

Neither one of us know how long this connection will last.  It may just be a few months, a few years or a lifetime.  But had I not gone through the heart ache I went through in my previous relationships forcing me to see some things about myself that I wasn’t too proud of, therein forcing me to get help, I honestly do not believe I would have met him.

We attract to us, the kind of people who we are.   That’s another reason I didn’t date immediately following my last break up.  I knew that I was in foul, bitter, broken place.  I knew that whoever I got with during that time was going to reap the hell and misery I had lived out with my previous partner.  And that would not have been fair to him or to myself.

And I also went through a dry spell.  I wondered was something wrong with me, had I lost my mojo because I had never ever not had at least a friend to help past the time.  And during that time, I didn’t even have that.  But something deep inside of me whispered to me that it was not time.  And although I felt angry about this, I listened.  During that time, my life coach even reminded me that I would be no good to anybody in the place that I was in and he encouraged me to make peace with being alone.

And one firm commitment I made to myself was to never ever connect with anyone if I am in a desperate place.  I had all of the tools to work through almost any emotion that surfaces, so I had no reason to look for a man to fill that void, even at times when I wanted to.

And when the Universe finally whispered to me “it was time”, I listened.  But I remained still.  I didn’t try to talk to anybody, I didn’t chase up behind anybody, I didn’t try to trick and trap a man into loving me or any of that shit.  They just started coming to me.  Everywhere I went it seemed, it was someone interested in talking to me, even on days that I didn’t think I looked my best.

It actually became a little overwhelming and my Life Coach reminded me that I had been doing an awful lot of work on myself over the last two years, releasing a lot of negativity from my life and people could sense that.

My Mother told me I was about to meet someone very special, this was how it usually happens and sure enough that is what happened.

I see how different I am in this relationship than I’ve been in my previous ones.  I’ve been uncompromisingly honest and assertive.  I’ve set very clear boundaries and he did the same.  I didn’t force myself into it simply to appease him and I know that I can get out of it if ever I choose and the same goes for him.  I am still going after my dreams 100% and still planning to move and this time around made sure that he is a part of my life and not damn near my entire life.  We give each other our space and what is surprisingly delightful about this is when we do see one another we don’t want it to end.  Another thing that I absolutely love about him is, like me, he prefers to talk things out, get them out in the open and deal with them.  The few times we have not seen eye to eye on things, he was true to his word in how he handled it.

I learned a very valuable lesson in giving myself time to “miss” someone.  I value not seeing him everyday, having time just for myself and for other things I like to do.  Plus, there is still a lot of work left to do on myself.  I am not perfect.  I still have my battles and my own struggles.  But I also have tools and a determination to heal each one of them a little bit at a time.

We are taking it very slow and just enjoying one another for who we are as individuals.  As a matter of fact, I often joke with him the song that best describes our relationship almost exactly is the song “Just a Kiss” by Lady Antebellum which I find myself playing often.

I am very excited about my future.  About the things I plan to accomplish individually and also in this connection I have made with him as it continues to evolve.  And like I wrote earlier, whether it is only for a short time or forever, it is a connection that I will always cherish.

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10 Responses

  1. So proud of your personal progress. You deserve all the happiness the Universe has to offer. Never ever forget that.

  2. Ditto on what Deneka just said! Reading your blog from last year and even the year before that on up to this year, it’s like you are a different person. I actually got teary eyed. I’m very proud that you worked and continue to work so hard on yourself. Like I was always tell you, you are a beautiful person inside and out, it was only a matter of time that someone worthy of your love was going to recognize that. Good luck and God Bless!

  3. This is beautiful writing DeAara. I’m so impressed with the level of honesty and self reflection that you give us readers! I wish you the best!

  4. This was a superb laying out of your feelings, I am probably happier than you are that those feelings of love giving and recieving have come to you in the way that they have- now the only thing left to do is soar!! Star!

    Love your Friend
    Mel

  5. “Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
    Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
    No, I don’t wanna mess this thing up
    No, I don’t wanna push too far
    Just a shot in the dark that you just might
    Be the one I’ve been waiting for my whole life
    So baby, I’m alright, with just a kiss goodnight”

    Love Lady Antebullum, that song and those lyrics! And if you’re relationship is like “Just a Kiss”, I’m sure you two are going to be just fine! Slow and steady wins the race!

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