Bullshitters & Shit Starters: How to Deal with People Who Never Accept Responsibility for their Actions…

Update: I wrote this post over five years ago and it still receives traffic and comments. I am so thankful that my blog is still being used as a tool for healing. I do want to clear something up – In my post, I use the word “Borderline” very vaguely and that has caused some confusion. Much of the behavior I described can fall under a diagnosis known as “Borderline Sociopathy” (which falls under Borderline Personality Disorder), also other diagnosis such Narcissistic Personality Disorder, traditional Sociopathy and Psychopathy can be applicable as well.

The point I hope I made is that getting caught up in what may be wrong with someone does not help you if that person is unwilling to take a look at their behavior themselves. And in many cases, the best thing I know to do is put some distance in between you and the repeat emotional offender.

Have you ever gotten into an argument with someone and the error in their actions were as clear as night and day, but yet they would not acknowledge it?  They made excuses or had a reason for everything they did, no matter who they violated in the process.  Or it was never their fault, it is ALWAYS somebody else.  Most of their relationships are chaotic.  They glorify and then quickly demonize someone and have a strong case of grandiose delusions. In psycho therapy this is often labeled as borderline personality disorder (a very, very close cousin to this could be Antisocial personality disorder or the more popular name, a “Sociopath”).  One of the main characteristics is the unwillingness of them to see the part they play in conflict or take responsibility for their actions.  Most of us know someone like this or perhaps have done this ourselves.

Taking responsibility is very tough because often times an abundance of shame comes with that.  Who wants to be the culprit or the reason someone else is hurt or some conflict is going on?  It’s easy to point the finger at others, it is tougher to point the finger back at ourselves. I talked to my Life Coach about this the other day.  This is something I have struggled with – people who cannot see their part in a conflict.  It burns me up, sends me into a fucking rage and I had to work through this.  He shared with me that he too has been caught up in dealing with people like this and all you can really do is let go.  You don’t have to like it, but you can’t control them or their behavior.  And if other people choose to believe this person without further investigation, there really isn’t much you can do about that either.  However, you can take some lessons.  Now you know these people are easily persuaded, probably meddle in gossip, and you’ll do better to stay away from them.

My father and I had a long conversation about this last night.  We know quite a few people who fall into the category of a Borderline.  My life coach also shared with me the traits many Borderlines carry and the similarity in them are quite eery.  Usually they are quite friendly, charming, a cheerleader who constantly sings your praises, they form an instant connection with you and your family.  They quickly share personal details about their life and if you are off guard, you feel comfortable enough to start doing the same.  A few things start to happen after this induction – first they may start taking side swipes at you, all in good-natured fun of course.  You may find yourself actually having to think about what they said because you don’t realize they have just insulted you until a few hours later.  They may be very helpful, volunteering to assist you with things you need to get done (even when you don’t ask) and if you accept their charity, they then expect you to be available at their every beck and call.  The moment you say, “No,” they turn on you.

In romantic relationships, they may be very charming in the beginning,  but if this is not their core, it won’t last.  And you notice this because once they have you, it’s as if another person takes over their body; a completely different personality emerges.

Another way to identify a Borderline is if they are constantly involved in conflict with someone else.  Now, just because someone is constantly involved in conflict does not mean they are Borderline, but if the conflict is NEVER the result of their own actions – you may be dealing with a Borderline.

When you determine that you may potentially be dealing with a Borderline, PROCEED WITH CAUTION!  I can’t emphasize that enough.  They WILL turn on you and in their minds, it will be all your fault.  They are vampires, they have no reflection and are either unable or unwilling to take responsibility for how they show up.

One of my sisters just dealt with a situation like this.  The other person just lashed out at her, without getting all of the data.  In the beginning, she and this person were cool,  but every time my sister looked around, this person’s name kept coming up in drama.  Even then, my sister tried to give this person the benefit of the doubt, because she saw a different side to this person. I remarked that it was only a matter of time before this person turned on her as well based off of their past behavior.  And sure enough, it happened.  The person never went directly to my sister to get clarity, they instead handled it in a very passive aggressive way and just like a Borderline, in their mind, they played no part in the conflict.  It was ALL MY SISTER’S FAULT.  This person even went as far as to “accidentally” push her.  When we shared these series of incidents with my father his response was, “That’s some real nigga shit and a real wounded human being you’re dealing with.  You’ll do best to leave that shit alone.”  A Borderline is what I call them.

I dealt with this too, as is well chronicled on this blog with my Ex and his now wife.  She took no responsibility in anything that happened and really neither did he as far as I know.   Everything was because of me.  He cheated because of me.  She threatened to kill me because of me.  She emailed me this year because of me.  She read personal letters I had given him because of me.  He came on to me last year because of me.  Everything was my fault in their heads, they played no part in anything and when I struck back, her feelings got hurt and of course it was because of me.  She never once acknowledged how she cyber-stalked me, called me names on her social media pages, called me from blocked numbers, sent folks past my house, sent threatening messages to my phone when she was THE OTHER WOMAN, but as soon as I took a strike back, she went victim.

But that’s what Borderlines do, they attack and attack and attack and when you strike back, it is your fault.  Some welcome the adversity because they are always looking for a brawl; they feed off of conflict and negativity. That is a defining point in all of this.  If you don’t remember anything else about their behavior, remember that.  No matter how wrong they are, how clear the violation is, it will ALWAYS be for another reason other than their own actions.  Always! IT WILL NEVER EVER, EVER BE THEIR FAULT! EVER!

There’s a little more you’ve got to watch out for, because many Borderlines know how to pretend especially if you’ve trumped their card.  They may apologize, but it won’t be genuine.  How do you know?  Listen to the apology.  In reality, it really won’t be one.  It will go something like this, “I’m sorry for what I did but I only did it because you did this.”  See how they flip it?  It will never be about them.

Now let me add some clarity to this, people can and often apologize and will tell you why they did what they did.  But often times it will go something like, “I’m sorry for what I did, I did it because I felt sad, hurt and attacked.  I thought you were coming at me unfairly and I just went on the offense.   I do apologize for how I  handled that situation and in the future will commit to asking for clarity instead of assuming.”  That’s a real apology.  The person acknowledged their behavior and what triggered it.  They didn’t blame you for any of it, instead they spoke for the part of themselves that was hurt and judged they were violated.   Now you very well may have said or done something that caused that person to react the way that they did.  The difference is, the person recognizes that their feelings are their feelings and you are not responsible for how they feel.

I hope this has helped some of you who may be dealing with this have some cognizability about exactly what you are dealing with.  These are very, very wounded people and there is nothing you will be able to say or do to get them to see how they show up. If you try, it will be exhausting, because no matter how genuine they seem about accepting responsibility, it will always go back to it being someone else’s fault.  I don’t think I can emphasize that enough. I would suggest that you keep your distance or sever times with them completely because they can be highly manipulative, are skilled liars and can potentially cost you some relationships.  It is almost sociopathic and it is very dangerous to try to “save” them.  They can only save themselves and in order to do that, they have to be willing to see themselves first.

Leave a comment and forward this post to your friends!  Also for more the characteristics of toxic and manipulative people, check out the post “The Addiction to Playing God.”  Thank you for reading!

41 Responses

  1. Damn! I’m almost speechless DeAara! This is now my favorite post! I never knew it was a name for this kind of behavior, it was always tough for me to lay my finger on it, I just knew when it was being done to me. I knew when I was being “handled.”

    I very much like how you broke down exactly what to look for. I got a little nervous and had to ask myself do I do any of the things you listed. How in the hell did you figure this shit out? Lol. But anyway, great post and I will certainly be forwarded it to my friends and family! This is a subject that definitely needs more attention.

    • People who refuse to take responsibility for anything bad does not equal Borderline. One of the nine traits is black/white thinking, but that doesn’t mean they think all or nothing in everything. To be diagnosed as Borderline you need five or more of any the nine traits. Think of it like phone numbers, how many unique phone numbers can be created using 1 to 9, five or more of the numbers? Just because someone has a diagnosis, which this article didn’t even say the person she was talking about did, don’t pigeon-hole them. Borderline is a very little known diagnosis. When I mention the word Schizophrenic does the word psycho-killer come into mind? Being Borderline myself, having three other friends (two of which are in loving relationships) and other friends who are schizophrenic and other diagnoses, they are gentle, kind, people. Sure they can be annoying or I disagree with them sometimes, but that what anyone’s friends are like. Associating Borderlines as “Vampires” and anyone else with a mental illness as some sort of monster is damaging. That is what stigma is. It’s not just people with mental illness that have the monopoly on bad break-ups, relationships or crime. The “normal” people do that too, because if they didn’t they would be perfect, and that just ain’t human.

  2. Hey David! Thanks for commenting. We all have done some of the things on the list, it doesn’t make us a borderline. The fact that you can look yourself and see that separates you right there.

    I’ve been involved in various forms of soul work for a long time and have gone through some things. This book I am reading called “The Gift of Fear” says that there is no such thing as Us and Them when it comes to who could commit a violent crime. Depending on the circumstances, every single one of us is capable of going there. The same thing is true about behavior. Depending on the situation, we can show up in a number of way.

    I am telling you this to answer your question about how I have been able to figure a lot of this stuff out. It is because I’ve been on both ends. I’ve been the victim and I’ve been the bully. I’ve been manipulated and I’ve been the manipulator. While I’ve seldom had any ill-intent towards anyone and usually was unaware of what I was doing, I know how it feels on both sides of the coin. And I know many of the feelings, thoughts, judgments and beliefs that motivate people to try to control someone else or to refuse to acknowledge their part in a conflict. One thing I love about my life coach is that he has been there. He has gone through much of what I have, so there is no self-righteousness in the work we do. It comes from a complete compassionate place of Self. I think that’s the only way you can truly help someone, you have to be willing to be vulnerable and find that place in yourself that truly connects with that other person. If you just talk AT them and not listen or try to relate to where they are coming from, whether you agree or not, you really serve no purpose in that person’s life. – DeAara

  3. OMG! I think that the world is rampant with these “Vampires” as you call them!!
    I had a GF act out in this very way a few years back and I literally had to cut her ass off. She made me think she was crazy because her actions were so ridiculous. Always fighting with people and arguing, always trying to take over and then act wounded when nobody played along. At first we all thought she was a closet lesbian and was secretly in love with me which was why she was trying so hard to be all up in my life; Now I know understand her ass just might actually be straight borderline… LOL

    I played Rugby for a number of years and in regards to playing dirty and on-field fighting, a well respected coach once told me;
    “People will never see what triggered your retaliation. They will only ever see you as a dirty player and judge the melee according to YOUR actions. Remember that before you punch a bitch in the face.”

    *One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received.*

    Point being – no matter what people throw at us, always try to carry yourself with dignity and respect and avoid the drama at all costs. It makes it much harder to get sucked into foolishness when someone does you dirty or if someone wants to pop off with some BS.

  4. i would like to call into play your creditdentails, are you a certified psychotherapist? also how do you know what the point of no return in which you can turn the cheek on someone? also, there is something called perspective, what about the perspective of the person that says they are being persecutued. also as a student of psychology i would ask you to give a clinical diagnosis of a person, which can be only done through professional training, never tell an untrained person how to diagnose a person without actually consulting the dsm. in any case, please do not give symptom analysis without actually showing the full range of symptoms which for borderline personality disorder shares many of the symptoms with many other personallity disorders like for example; manic depression. also for all the other readers out there this is not a professional colunm with absolutely no credibility since it is not recognized by any journal of professional medicine.

    • Don’t know how I missed this, but I’ll address it anyway, Anthony, I believe you are the only person who took my blog post of my personal experiences that I chose to share with the world as a “professional column”. If you had read the full spectrum of my blog, you will see that this is a blog for artist who deal with every day life events.

      I hear that you are a student of psychology, I am assuming you wrote this to qualify yourself. And hear that I have been working in interpersonal/shadow work as a facilitator for over 10 years. So what some approach me with from a “text book” perspective which I overstand, I have real life experience. Please do not come on my blog and tell me what to write and how to write – that’s not happening.

      I actually chose to use the term “borderline” because that is the term my facilitator who is a trained and licensed psychotherapist for more than 50 years used when I shared with him my experience. It was used as a colloquial expression for people who found themselves in situations that I have experienced. So please do not attempt to challenge my interpretation of my life experiences and those people without having any of data and “challenging” me based on your predispositional beliefs and assumptions. Now I’m sure that goes against the very curriculum that you are studying.

      Now carry on…

      • If this is the Anthony Jodlowski that I know of.. I always shook my head at him going into psychology seeing how he cant figure himself out.He is book smart but very naive on the common sense part.And belittles everyone that don’t agree with him.I do wish him the best in his career but I hope he can learn to see other people’s problems from his studies and not judge them and miss guide them because of his own selfish needs.

  5. After quite a few encounters with vampires recently, I came to Google today for some guidance of how to deal with such situations. This is a really succinct post. Thanks. PS I LOVE the title…

  6. Wow, reading this opened my eyes. My spouse……She always made me feel that it was always my fault no matter what. This describes her to a tee. How do you deal with a ……….. like this? I’m at my wits end.

    • I wish there were a “right” answer. The best thing I can suggest is to do whatever you have to do create a space within yourself so you don’t get hijacked and take on someone else’s shit. There are methodologies out on how to do this too. 🙂

  7. Very clearly explained and direct! Loved reading this! In a relationship with a man who won’t take responsibility. SO frustrating! Thank-you for sharing your insight and experiences. Needed to read that right now! So many “yup, uh huh!” moments.

    Thanks, R.

  8. She clearly sounds like a sociopath. Sociopath’s are more likely to attack you verbally. And mentally try to break you down. They can appear to others as kind and caring but are monsters if you are their target. My advice is to change your # and have no contact with her. The more you respond the more ammo she has. She will try to socially and emotionally destroy you. She will even at times make you feel your the crazy one, but know its all her. Stay away from her and let your man have her. Cuz she will eventually start verbally abusing him

  9. How can someone cope with a person like this at work? We work in retail, have the same title, salary, etc., both female over 50. She has actually been there longer than me, but does not retain or try to learn anything to advance herself. I am tired of hearing so and so did it, not me. I took the time to train her, (my boss does not have the patience),
    and had her write everything down that I taught her so she had something to reference when I wasn’t around. Doesn’t work. Our job is just a series of repeat occurances. We do just the same things every day- I just can’t understand it. Help?!

  10. Your article is well written and accurate to my experience. But for me sad that in order for me to not experience such behavior I have to distance myself from such a person. I have tried in so many ways to have a good relationship with the type of person you described. I have let go of incidents, had tried to have adult discussions with this person and I keep getting burned. It’s hard for because the person you described is my sister. She has two beautiful young boys and I’m really close to them. In order for me to have a relationship with them I have to go through her. She is always involved in some kind of conflict and is not able to resolve it properly. Very negative and aggressive. Nothing is ever her fault and her fav line is “your attacking me.” She makes friends easy but who ever gets too close to her she turns on them. Lots of times you dont know what happened, or you are about to get it. Many of her friends, boyfriends, family members have confided with me about her behavior. Her now husband is dealing with it. I googled the topic because we recently had another minor incident that she has turned it into a world war lll episode. And I’m tired.

  11. […] will argue that it is important for an individual to take ‘responsibility’ for their actions. That is, I believe, a fallacy. The act of what is commonly supposed to […]

  12. I’ve never in more than 15 years have I ever posted, blogged or commented on the thousands of article sites I visited over these years. But, there is a first for everything; I was and still am so very much overwhelmed with disbelief that someone else and others alike have/has experienced what I’ve endured for more than 4 years.

    I dated a young lady with by far the most extreme borderline disorder anyone can even imagine, or that I can even possibly articulate in writing. No matter what, absolutely 100% no matter what you did to show, tell, or otherwise with facts, figures, video, audio, transcripts or logs would she ever admit to anything. At best, if she did acknowledge anything, it was to defer that the issue or fault was not hers but seemingly somehow I was the causation of the problem, whereas, I had absolutely nothing to do with it. I cannot stress even close enough how frustrating this is, even for a Pope, not wanting to just run, scream or curse at a person like this.

    APOLOGIZE!!!! Never!!! These people never apologize trust me, I’m sorry doesn’t necessarily constitute an apology, it’s the sincerity and honesty behind the apology. “I’m sorry, BUT, you….”. I truly am speechless and totally beside myself when I read this article. These people are truly craftsman of their art, they will have you apologizing for them stealing the cookie from the cookie jar, and you caught them. Interesting enough these individuals are as sly as a fox, manipulative, controlling, argumentative and absolutely sickening (such strong words, but not nearly strong enough or overstated).

    Yes, we all have the propensity to defend ourselves when under attack, but this is not the case with borderline people. Most mature have rational people when directed or pointed to their mistake or errors, they accept, acknowledge and admit their actions. NOT with borderline or at least not with this particular young lady, they always have a reason, excuse, rational, or cause for their behavior, and its not because of them, its because of YOU!!

    In short, I’m still speechless and totally blown when I read this article as I felt someone was writing on my behalf. So to any other reader of this article or my reply posting, I can only pray for you and strongly recommend with every ounce of my body for you to RUN LIKE HELL, damn packing bags, or thinking about the great escape…. RUNNN nothing good will ever come of it. “Find them a fool, leave them a fool”, you’ll change a fool.

  13. Excellent and accurate. This explains a lot!

  14. Great article!

    “They may be very helpful, volunteering to assist you with things you need to get done (even when you don’t ask) and if you accept their charity, they then expect you to be available at their every beck and call. The moment you say, “No,” they turn on you.”

    Really hits it on the head! You nailed it!

  15. And if this describes to a tee your spouse of forty years?

    • I am so amazed at reading this post and the replies. It is 6:35 am and I have never replied to a blog in my life. The behavior that has been described is my husband of 18 yrs. I have had it. I want out. He never takes responsibility for his actions, has no empathy, is controlling, manipulative, and mean as hell behind closed doors. Raves to all how he loves me an his family then belittles me behind closed doors. Wont forgive but wants forgiveness. Wont get help. Im ready to divorce and move on ,but I want to be smart and safe about it. Any suggestions?

  16. Wow very powerful and so true I met a women like this things went fast she moved in with me and when I would confront her about her pill addiction she was passing out with cigerttes in her hand burning my carpet she would say.your picking on me”and tried to make me feel guilty for even saying anything no matter what I said or felt it was never her fault she blamed it on her childhood or who ever she could blame..she even told me one time she thought about suicide to teach het mom a lesson I was shocked this article helped me a lot because there are people out there who side with her and am the bad guy..it’s clear yes I played a part but I always apologized when I made mistakes she wouldn’t acknowledge her part I felt like I was going crazy thanks so much for clarifying am not the only one who takes the blame when it not my responsibility for someone else’s happiness..it’s a inside job

  17. Reading this describes someone who ,up until today, was my very best friend. She redirects me to put her above and beyond family and even my husband. Everything is my fault and I’m always told I need to apologize and take responsibility for the conflict. She is very needy and clingy. She is a hypochondriac and plays the “poor pitifully me” game like a trained professional. She is always in conflict with someone in her family and it’s always their fault. She expected me to forfeit one on one time with my husband who works everyday of the week with the exception of maybe 2-3 days in a month to help her with a craft bazaar. She had the nerve to tell me I was selfish for putting myself before her and even more ballsy, she emailed my husband demanding that he “talk some sense into me”….as if my husband would ever entertain the idea of taking her side that me not spending rare quality time with him was less important then being her servant for the day. We’ve been friends for 18 years and she has always made everything about her. She’s the kind who has to “one-up” you. If I’m sick, she’s sicker…if I’m depressed, she’s more depressed etc…. I want to write her a letter for my own closure but I’m not sure how to get my point across to the point of it actually sinking in her brain…any suggestions??

    • You have to realize and accept you cannot change them. Just cut her out and deal with your frustrations on your own. It’s a vicious cycle with these kinds of people because they will never see they’re own actions unless they experience a dramatic cognative shift. If ever they do they can come back and present themselves with an apology, and you can decide to let them back in if you choose. Better to let these people go and find other people who are good and kind.

  18. Everything in this great post is 100% dead on. I dated a diagnosed Borderline for 8 months. This woman did exactly to me what Borderlines do to absolutely everyone….she idealized me which made me feel amazingly good, but within in couple months, the devaluing of me began, and finally she discarded me like a piece of trash. This is the classic Borderline modus operandi. And, exactly, as blatantly in the wrong as she was 99% of the time– it was NEVER her fault. NEVER. Always mine. There is no “stigma” when it comes to Borderline. These people and what they do are 1,000% predictable.

  19. Wow!!!.. I have problems with my husband anything we fight about is my fault ./ When it comes to the solution im the one that need changing. He always replies I make him do this or that. Its because im to sensitive. Meanwhile he has been attacking me verbally and when I had enough and I address it all he does is put his attention on to something else and comes out and says so random thought. When he is not like this we are fine.. but when I yell or do something he doesn’t like I don’t hear the end of it ” its your fault” you overact so on and so on…

  20. I’ve been dealing with these types too much lately, there’s a life lesson from the universe here. That is: cut these people out at the first sign of this behavior, especially if it’s romantic. Don’t invest too much time and in them, and make sure that you behave in a way that is respectable because there will be nothing they can flip onto you…aka…don’t act on your anger. If you behave respectably, you will see how desperate they are to deflect responsibility. They will make stuff up. For example I swore and that was “rude,” even though the person in question never paid me the money they owed me. People like this will never find inner peace. It’s very sad.

  21. EXCELLENT description of a Borderline.

  22. I’m too familiar with this type. They’re almost always abusive alcoholics who never grew up. They are self centered, egotistical, problematic, unable to cope with reality, charmers out in public, until they get you alone & the evil let’s lose. Run from this type. They rarely change because they’re unable to admit fault or seek the desperate psychiatric help they need. They seek vulnerable people, then will victimize them. Once again, it’s always someone else’s fault. They’re delusional people who live to hurt others.

  23. THANK YOU FOR THIS, AS I JUST ENDED A 25 YEAR +’S RELATIONSHIP WITH A PERSON THAT I FIRMLY BELIEVE HAS THIS DISORDER & I FINALLY AM SEEING

  24. Thank you! My ex, who I have older children with, his wife, who he cheated on me with, my boyfriend and my boss are like this! I’ve been exhauated, feeling like I cannot get away from these people. I have to have some level of being involved because I am a mother and employee. I can’t find a way to move away, find a new job, nothing. I stand my ground and they treat me like I have no right to speak up and say enough. I feel beat up all the time. I have good morals, help people for a living and trying to always position myaelf clearly and work on my goals. My ex is sadly, a PTSD counselor and is borderline, God knows what else. My boyfriend exhibits bipolar, suicidal and borderline. I have 2 good friends that are not like this. How do you find your purpose, when their are more and more people like this. I feel all I am here for anymore is put up with people’s bullshit, work, come home and atill not see any changes and not seeing personal goals come into fruition. I love doing thinhs amd being with others. Anymore though, I feel lonely and want to just be somewhere, away from people and their mess. They are wasting precious time and causing chaos and heartache. I keep relying on God for much needed justice, patience and a direct, tangible answer as to why He even has me here anymore. I’m tired of grieving relationships that I waa duped by, or literally taken from me because, my ex had more money to continue to raise my kids. They are young adults now and we were robbed of precious years together. The Army did nothing to look into what my ex did to me either. I refuse to let another person saturate my life with negativity yet, I feel abused, not worth it and lonely. I want someone I can share my life with, explore, trust and just be me. I feel anymore that I am just this shell walking around and it goes against my very nature of who I was. I’m looking into finding a Christian Life Coach near me.

  25. What you’re describing sounds more like Narcissistic Personality Disorder than Borderline PD. Borderlines experience their emotions ‘too’ intensely, including at times a sense of overwhelming shame (which can lead to self-destructive behavior and/or pleading for forgiveness), while the Narcissist avoids shame by refusing to admit any responsibilty. Borderlines are often treatable when shown specific coping strategies, while the Narcissist simply doesn’t care to change. To change would be equivalent to self-destruction for a Narcissist. Sometimes a person can develop an NPD ‘overlay’ to deal with the raging emotions of BPD, but, again, they aren’t the same.

  26. I think what you are talking about here is generally unclear and vague. You’re citing situations where you’re not describing the context clearly, just blandly stating “the person failed to take responsibility in their fault” or “they blamed me”. I suppose I know you are trying to communicate something in those words but you’re using your own value judgments and feelings to describe their actions, instead of giving a true explanation of events. You try at this a little here and there but there is really no concise and clear rational explanation offered.

    I don’t think you should be playing around with the word borderline here either. Borderline Personality Disorder is a diagnosis created by the DSMIV summary of research on abnormal psychology. A diagnosis such as this or any mental health diagnosis is made according to industry criteria by a licensed psychiatrist. Not even many therapists are in a position to diagnose their patients. However, I’ll say some of these cases such as blowing up your social media or someone saying they’d like to kill you, these are certainly warning signs of something and that person should go to

    So there are a lot of rational arguments against you. But what I really object to has more to do with emotions and just where I think your social intuition is wrong.

    Most of these examples you cite remind me of people talking about their ex-girlfriends or boyfriends. People having different expectations of one another, people trying to get close to you but not being aware of the quirks in their personality that time takes to realize, people finding fault with you because you have failed according to some value they expect others to uphold, but which is not one which you yourself feel to be expected: these are all realities of interpersonal relationship that are totally commonplace.

    So the person tried to get close to you, and you acquiesced. Aren’t you responsible for that? So they felt close to you, and then they were upset by some of your behavior because it wasn’t something they expected from someone close to them. Perhaps you are dealing with a borderline, perhaps you are dealing with a totally normal person. Or at least a person with a different but also normal relationship style. Perhaps you are dealing simply with a person who has had few close friendships or romantic relationships and doesn’t know how to see the place for give, take and equality there.

    It’s really just saying that this progression from minor and common traits of people, I sympathize with how you were treated by some people (per your accounting), do not always lead to “borderline” as you’ve defined it in your armchair.

    Again, I’m sorry for what you went through but you’re creating a lot of misinformation which is going to make people who sympathize with you paranoid and people who exhibit some of the minor characteristics which you predict to lead to some very extreme characteristics, as offended and self-conscious.

    Maybe you need to accept that this happened to you and get over it because you don’t need to live in constant fear of “the many borderlines”.

  27. This explained my wife to a T! Today I found out she got 2 loans from those bad credit places and when I asked her about them she automatically got pissed was dodging my questions and lied about when she got them.
    She said years ago but I found out one was actually this year, when I told her I knew when she got them she just started saying I was picking a fight and trying to be her enemy and bully her, and that she told me about the loans a long time ago,(which she did not). She has lied to me so much in the past, I have a hard time believing anything that she says. She had a little boyfriend at work that I figured out about and I asked her about it and she lied for a good 5 years I could never let it go, it hurt me to bad. I would do anything for my wife and I never doubted her back then. 5 years later she finally tells me that they just flirted but by then the lies had flowed so much that I don’t believe her. She blamed me for ever “flirting” with him. She said I wasn’t affectionate towards her, I didn’t compliment her, I did, anything she could think of even going back to stuff when we first started dating. We have 2 kids and they are hard to leave here with out them. Sometimes I think that’s why I’m here but, I always thought someday she would change, now I get it, she will never change until she sees herself. Thanks for this blog,, I’ve been dealing with her for the past 10 years and only 3 of it have been very good.. I’m running out of energy trying to get her to see that she is wrong too.

  28. I really appreciate the way you simply laid out this behavior from a outside looking in perspective, i too have been a victim and vampire myself, that has ended good friendships and bad ones alike, however i am curious about whether environment or possibly financial issues play a role in this behavior. Maybe a subconscious response built deep in our natural instincts to climb the ranks of basic human social interaction to reach alpha status in circles. Just a theory… lol but agian wonderful article.

  29. I can and do totally identify with what you have said. My problem is I speak what I feel and I have on numerous occasions have asked this person why is it they cant receive and except the fact they cannot own their BS.

    I deal with it by limiting my convo with them at all times and they will ask me whats wrong with me my reply is oh I am good its you thats feeling some kind of way.

  30. You are not describing people with borderline personality disorders but sociopaths/ narcissists. Sociopaths have a very different etiology, presentation and diagnostic criteria to those with borderline.

    Please do not unfairly stigmatise those with personality disorder with your unfounded, judmental, prejudiced, bigoted inaccurate and negative. opinions.

    • Holder, if you read what I wrote, I specifically noted that the behavior is often labeled BPD. I then went on to describe antisocial personality disorder/sociopath.

      Also BPD and sociopath etiologies can overlap, which is often labeled as Borderline Sociopath. And from there on, I used the term “Borderline” with no suffix attached to describe the behaviors in a broad sense. And just because the information I provided doesn’t sit well with you does not make it unfounded. If bringing awareness to certain behaviors and the broad names for them is judgemental, prejudiced, bigoted (the buzz words of 2016) and you perceive that as “negative”, that is 100% your “opinion”. Please DO check further names and labels for behaviors and how broadly these labels can be applied before you attempt to dictate what I can and cannot write on my blog.

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