• DeAara Lewis

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Making Peace with Salt Dropping Frenemies…

I recently posted on my Facebook page about going on the offense lately.  I’ve been almost in straight attack mode for a couple of months now.  Anybody who I judged came at me in a questionable way, I was ready for battle.  I didn’t know where this surge of rage was coming from and it scared me.  I have a theory that since I’ve been fighting, a natural aggression is forming inside of me (or coming out more because it’s always been there) as well as the freeing of emotions that I have bottled up in me for some time.  Also, I’ve just encountered a lot of stupidity lately.

Although it felt freeing to release these emotions it was somewhat stressful at times.  Sometimes I felt (and still feel) that I can’t be angry enough.  No matter how hard I punch the bag, or how sharp I flick my tongue, there is still this aggression in me whose hunger has not been fully fed.

So finally I did what I always do when I am up against the wall – I go inside.  On my journey I learned there were deeper things that certain parts of me wanted, the fighting was just a way to release some of the tension.  But the real work still lay ahead.

Also, I had a couple of gifts come to me on dealing with conflict. I hung out with a good friend of mine the other day.  This is a person that if you first meet him, you wouldn’t take him for the very ambitious type because he is so easy going.  But if you look at his resume and just talk to him, his intelligence and his accomplishments speak for themselves.  He works at one of the top companies in his field of work and when he first started his career, he started at the very bottom, very basic level.  He is now in a position that in a few years, he will probably be able to cherry pick where he wants to go and how he wants to further advance his status and his paycheck.  However, if you met him, you probably wouldn’t guess it.  I talked to him about this the other night, about how is it he is able to remain so calm in adversity and uncertainty and he said, “Dee, whatever happens is what’s going to happen.  When you get through hollering, whining, bitching and moaning, you will still have to pay the light bill, the car note, the house note.  You will still have pain in the ass people who you have to deal with, no matter what, so why get worked up over things you have no control over?”

This is how he operates;  always has in the nearly ten years I’ve known him and he works in a very high stress environment.  I was so moved by that very simple, but very honest answer.  And I decided that I was going to do whatever I could to implement much of that into my life.   Truth be told, as hot-headed as I can be, I really don’t like drama.  I really despise conflict.  I hate being “into it” with someone.  In the discomfort, you’ve got to think about where you go and how you’re going to react when you run into them and it’s just a lot of wasted energy.

Recently, a friend frenemy of mine just suddenly stopped speaking to me, I have no idea what I did. I reached out, but that person didn’t respond and I was quite sad about it.  Although I have an idea of who possibly put some negative things in this person’s ear about me, I was sad that he could not come to me and get the accurate information instead of just going on what someone else possibly said – someone who has been dropping salt about me for years all while literally smiling in my face as if I didn’t know.

I sent my old friend a fairly blunt message and just told them to leave it like this.  I was sad about that choice, but ultimately decided that it was the best choice for me.   People get angry, hell I’ve gotten angry and chosen not to engage someone for a while.  But I’ve almost always let that person know why unless it was someone very insignificant to me.  I really do want peace, and chasing up behind someone trying to figure out what I’ve done when I haven’t done anything will not bring me peace.  My mother pointed out that the person who most likely did the “salt-dropping” probably did me a favor.   She showed herself just as much as he showed himself.   It was hurtful, because I’ve done a lot for this person over the years and to just stop talking to me without even an ounce of reason really threw me for a loop.

I want peace and worrying about what people’s motives are for the silly things that they do will not bring me peace.  One of my BFF’s reminded me, quite bluntly that she was still here and so were a couple more.  She said, “Okay, DeAara.  Some folks have done you dirty.  So, what! Move the hell on!  I’m still here and there’s nothing you can do to get rid of me.”   She and I have been through a lot.  We fell out before and didn’t speak for a few months, but our bond was strong and we found our way back to one another and we’ve been friends for over 16 years now.  I have a few other friends with whom I have similar relationships and there is also my family, who are my rock.

I get angry at them too, have said things in the heat of anger that I regretted once I calmed down, but they’ve always been there loving me, in spite of myself.  And I love them just as deep.  And that more than anything brings me peace.


6 Responses

  1. Wow! That’s deep and so true. It almost mimics what you went through last year. I can so relate. My best friend of 21 years cut me off a few years ago because I was too tired to pick her up from work. She said she was stranded, but I didn’t know that. All I remember is I had just pulled an 18 hour day and could barely keep my eyes open. I thought she just wanted to hang out, had no idea it was that serious because she never said anything.

    Like you, I was supposed to be a mind reader. If someone is dropping salt about you that speaks volumes about their character. If they have that much time to manipulate your words, then you did right by leaving them alone. I know my former best friend did things I questioned, things that were down right shady and I didn’t let her go. I was very sad at first, very sad, but honestly Dee, it was a load off. I didn’t realize how much baggage she carried around. When I went through that shit with you-know-who, I sobbed to her on a daily basis, and I guess because she was there for me, she believed that she owned me. I couldn’t tell her no about anything. She was a glorious fuck up, so after I got over it, I had a new lease on life!

    This shit is small potatoes. Just like my situation was. I know you ain’t sweatin’ it as hard as I did when I went through it, but even let the most minute part of it go. Once again, “Fuck ’em.” If they can’t come to you and ask you, what the hell you still on it for? On to the next one honey…

  2. Girl u are so right! Just as we discussed, you have been given a blessing in disguise; the demons have shown their presence and rather than spending the energy finding a Priest to exorcise them from your body and soul; you had the power to exorcise them your self! And u want to know what it is that some may find unsettling, is that u can walk away, no matter how u feel deep inside u can walk away u notice when shit is being thrown your way. A lot of folks have unplaced unfounded rage and jealousy/ Count ur blessings!!

  3. i can relate. i had a very dear childhood “friend” just refuse to engage with me, but continued to engage with our mutual friends. I did all i could to get closure, but being that this person is also a close cousin of mine the disengagement has been long and hard. My emotional entanglement ran really deep. But the more i looked at the root of it. I saw some ugly shit about myself. Projections, giving away my power, stories that i had been telling myself about myself was all wrapped up in my emtional response to her not wanting to maintain our friendship. At the end of the day the friendship that you find with yourself is what ultimately matters. If you can’t be your own best friend it will show up in all kinda funky ways. Sometimes life brings us experiences that are painful enough to remind us of this. As always i enjoy your blog posts can’t wait for the next one.

  4. Thanks guys! I’m so glad you’re feeling this post. This one struck a nerve with people because I’ve gotten a lot of traffic since I posted.

    I had to be reminded the other day that it is okay to be sad. A loss is a loss. No matter how fucked up that person is, it is still a loss. The internet makes things harder to interpret context, so when I read something on a related person’s Facebook page, I didn’t know how to take it, or if it was even about me. More than likely it wasn’t, but that’s the world we live in now.

    It still surprises me sometimes to know how malicious people can be. I’m not perfect, but I don’t bash people unless they’ve really, really fucked with me or mine, and even then, I carry some compassion. That’s a personal principle of mine. But all I can do and will do is focus on my goals and where I want to be. And just wish my friends and enemies nothing but peace and joy and forgive myself for any wrongdoing I may have done. And if I did, it was something I was unaware that I even did.

    I just prefer people to come to me, get the info from me if it is about me. Lying is something I am not particularly good at and I pride myself on being an honest person. I don’t like liars and don’t tolerate them very long. That’s a deal-breaker, automatically. And if I fucked up, for the most part, I will admit it. It’s not easy, I don’t like doing it, but I don’t like lying to myself either or being fake. So, what else can one do?

    Being honest with myself and others no matter the outcome has cost me some things, some people. But the bonds I do have with the select few in my life are very strong for that reason – we don’t lie to each other; no matter what. And this is the path I’ve chosen and this is the path I will walk until I take my last breath and beyond. – DeAara

  5. Something is in the air…My bff for the last 12 years has recently stopped replying to my phone calls and texts. As far as I can tell the only thing that has changed in my life is that my marriage is happier than it has ever been. Hers, on the the other hand, is not. Many of the friends she has grown closer to are either single, divorced or cheating on their spouse. I refused to be around that, since my marriage had just recently gone through many trials of it’s own. I have 3 children and am active in their activities and daily lives. She ignores her kids. It seems that our friendship has run it’s course. But the only text she replied to was “what the f**k did I do to piss you off that you don’t answer my texts or calls anymore?!? She replied with “nothing’s wrong, my cell phone has been on the fritz”. Although, as I see on her FB, she has been quite busy with the previously mentioned ladies.
    So, today, I took it upon myself to formally quit our “ladies group”. No more ladies nights where I am made to feel like a tag-a-long. Now she’s mad. Wow! Why did she need to take so long to react? Now if she attempts to mend our friendship I will feel like she is guilted into it. I am tempted not to return her text as to why I left. She left me hanging fo r way too long, does she deserve the closure?

    • Hi Katwoman, thank you for posting! I’ve always been taught that closure is not about that other person, it is about you. Your peace is the most important. Yeah, it must be something in the air. But do know that life exists in cycles. So just because you and her are down right now doesn’t this is the way it will always be.

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