How I got over being teased, needing “closure” and hating myself…

My sister and I watched the movie “You Again” this weekend.  I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed it and believe it was perfect timing because of some residual feelings I had been wrestling with following a very emotional week due to a serious health scare.   The film talks about closure, forgiveness and acceptance.  Themes that are often discussed, but not always interpreted in the most effective way.

I underestimated the power of closure, the power that simply saying, “I’m sorry,”  “I was wrong,” can really have on someone else’s life.    I liked that the film really showed how we are treated in our early and high schools years can dictate damn near the rest of our lives if we are not able to see it.   One line I love that Jamie Lee Curtis’ character says in the film is, “None of us make it out of high school unscathed.”  And she is right.  Although high school for me was quite adventurous, I still dealt with bouts of insecurity.  I was sophomore, junior and senior class president, voted most school spirit, most talented, and best all around.   I had big dreams, wanted to change the world, wanted to move to Hollywood right when I graduated and “make it.”   Yet, I also had massive insecurity which worked for and against me.   It made me super independent because I hated asking people for things for fear that I would be rejected, but it made it harder for me to reach out and maintain connections that could really benefit me because I was afraid I would do something or say something to make someone not like me.  As a result,  I became standoffish and protective.  Being very outgoing and ambitious creates admirers, but it also creates enemies in the form of leeches, groupies, and haters.  And for some reason, I drew more of these people to my inner circle than the former and couldn’t understand why.

I wanted new connections, but often felt left out.   I was teased, accused of “acting white”, being too sensitive, stuck up, dramatic,  a show-off and in my own world and I didn’t have any safety’s in place to really filter the bullshit.  I just soaked it up and for years tried to morph myself into what I thought other people (friends and lovers) wanted me to be.  My relationships failed and of course I felt even more alienated.  I was still very ambitious and must say that I am quite proud of my many accomplishments.  Just a few include buying my very first rental property when I was 24 years old, in 2 years, I owned 6 and formed my own corporation.   In addition, I finished college in three years, won several acting competitions and produced two film projects, both selling out almost every time they have played.  However, I still felt inadequate, like that wasn’t enough.  My romantic life always went sour because it seemed no matter how much I gave or sacrificed, it was never enough to make them love me or be the kind of friend and lover to me that I was to them.  Making new friends was tough too, because I was always on guard, so afraid I would encounter another leech or hater that I’m sure I missed out on some amazing people.  I went on like this for years, trying to “fix” myself.

Fortunately, I had been introduced to some dynamic ways of thinking and processing feelings at a very young age and must say it helped me out A LOT, but I was never as consistent as I should have been to get the most out of it.  And it wasn’t until some very painful things happened in my life last year that had me questioning who the hell I was that I decided to put everything I had accumulated over the years to use – FOR REAL.  As written in previous blogs, I put a support team together.  This shit, all of this toxic shit, I was tired of living with it.  Now, I do enjoy the colors and roller coasters of life from time to time,  I hate being bored,  but the drama I was living with was not exactly what I had in mind for “entertainment.”

I’m happy to say that for 14 months now, I have been on my path consistently.  And you know what I discovered?  It really isn’t about them, it isn’t about any of them (who ever they really are).  All of it is and always was about ME.  Whatever I feel are MY feelings.  I have no way of knowing what anybody thinks about me unless they are honest and courageous enough to let me know.  I have no control over whether somebody likes me, whether somebody wants to be with me or whether someone wants to have a connection with me, the only person I can control is me, how I show up and how I respond.

And what I also realized is, I do have people in my life who love and accept me for me.  I have two amazing sisters, a brilliant kid brother, a beautiful and compassionate mother, a courageous grandmother, a thought-provoking father and a very talented nephew who thinks I can walk on water.  My closest friends and I have been friends for nearly 16 years.  We’ve gone through times where we didn’t speak, cussed each out, let each other down, but we’ve always found our way back into each other’s lives.  And I have made new connections with people who I feel like I have known all of my life, I was just so caught up in looking through those rose-colored glasses that I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.

This taught me a valuable lesson about perceptions and most of all paying attention to how I show up.  It may not be that it’s always the other person.  If you continue to encounter the same type of situations in your life, maybe it’s time to take a look at yourself.  Maybe you didn’t listen to your instincts when they tried to warn you to stay clear of someone or to get out of something before it became too poisonous and before you felt too trapped.   Or maybe it’s not the other person being “shady”, maybe it’s you.  Maybe the reason why that relationship didn’t work is because you played victim too much, didn’t hear the other person when they tried to reach out to you or maybe it was because you didn’t honor the part of you that really didn’t want to be in it to begin with. Try it on from some different sides and see what it feels like.   For me, this was not easy to do,  because the shame can feel overwhelming, but the nugget of gold inside was worth it and if you really do the work, the shame transforms into something powerful and loving.

And if you can connect with people who are also willing to look at themselves before they point the finger at you AND  have the courage to hold themselves accountable, admit when they are wrong in spite of the fears and the consequences, then you’ve found a friend for life.  If not, then it’s better to know sooner rather than later.

If someone has deeply hurt you and you are having trouble finding closure, take a look at yourself.  I honestly think that an apology can go a long way, but you may not get it.  That person may not think they’ve done anything wrong or may be too afraid and/or too ashamed to admit it to you.  But if you look inside, you will see that everything you are searching for in them, you already have in yourself and it won’t matter what anyone thinks or does, it won’t matter if they ever say, “I’m sorry,” “I was wrong,”  “I fucked up.”     There will just be peace, calmness, a stillness inside and you will know that all is well.

Pass this on to anyone you think could use it.

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3 Responses

  1. I love it…

  2. Couldn’t have said it better…. dig dat

  3. Thank you for sharing this. I feel better knowing you have the control to change your life. Do you have a blot? Plz send info if you do. You have a follower.

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