• DeAara Lewis

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Why You Can’t Trick Someone Into Loving You…

I received quite a few emails from my last post, “The Truth About Being Single”. One woman emailed me something that I felt so moved by, I wanted to share.  She says I told her story, but from reading her email, I believe she told mine.  With her permission, she wrote and I quote:

Thank you so much for writing this.  I feel as if you peeked into my life and wrote my story!  Like you, I am recovering from a very bad break up with my fiance of seven years.  He was seeing another woman behind my back and I only found out after she called me and told me she was pregnant and if I was a real woman, I would have had his baby a long time ago.

I was absolutely devastated, so much so, I didn’t eat for months, lost 45 pounds and thought long and hard about whether or not I even wanted to live anymore.   It was not the cheating the hurt the worst, it was how it happened.  How sheepishly he handled it.  You said that your former mate never apologized to you, well, mine didn’t either.   And I loved that man when he was at his lowest; when he didn’t have a pot to piss in, I took him in.  I got him into AA because he was so depressed he began to excessively drink.   He began to get better, so much better he decided to honor it by getting involved with another woman when things turned around for him.

How soon he forgot that when he was at his lowest, nowhere to live, no car, no money, I was there with no judgments.  Even though I was in school myself working on my Master’s and opening my own business; I found time to make him a priority.  How soon he forgot who was there for him and he instantly became loyal and impregnated a woman whom he barely knew.  He said I was acting like a bitch.  Well, yeah, I probably was, I had a shit load of pressure on me.  My finals were coming up, I had just been rejected for a business grant I thought I was going to get and I was having to pay all the bills.  But I was still loving him.  And the times he acted like a “bitch” I sure as hell didn’t punish him by getting pregnant by another man.  Why is it he had a right to his low points, but I didn’t have a right to mine?  Why couldn’t I have taken comfort in his love for me, the way he took comfort in my love for him when he could be an absolute asshole?  Why did I have to be perfect to be loved, but he didn’t?

And as soon as he got on his feet, as soon as he started earning enough money to help me out, he leaves.  And not only does he leave, he allows this woman to call me and say these things to me and he defends her.  Seven years of this bullshit and this is how he repays me.  It was almost as if he was jealous.  Like he resented my success.  She was needy, didn’t earn a lot of money, had a lot of children from previous relationships (yes, plural) so I guess he felt more like a man with her.  They had the baby and I hear he is drinking again.   The times he has attempted to contact me, she has intervened.  He isn’t allowed to speak to me.  I laugh at that, because she reaps the benefits of my hard work.  The man she claims she loves is a direct result of my effort, knowledge and devotion and she forbids him to speak to me and he allows it.  And now she wonders why he is deteriorating.   I don’t know what to do.  I read your blog and how you overcame all of this and it gives me hope.   I, too am very ambitious and after this, I don’t know if I ever want to get involved again.  I would love if you were to write something about this, please feel free to use my email as a reference point.

Tears freely fell from my eyes as I read this.  When I tell you I’ve been there, believe me, I’VE BEEN THERE!  So what I did after I began to heal from my last relationship, was to make a list of things I would not tolerate in future relationships.   Some of the things on that list were: I wasn’t going to play anymore games (as much as you can NOT play games because all of it is a game in some form), was not going to participate in any type of deception or illusions, was not going to date men in current relationships or men who have just recently gotten out of a long-term relationship, who does not have clearly defined goals and are actively working towards them or allow myself to connect with anyone who is severely emotionally wounded and not actively doing anything to better themselves.   I was not going to be “Captain Save a Negro” ever again.  And most of all, I  wasn’t going to allow myself to connect with anybody  (romantic or platonic) who could not accept me for me – all of me and love and cherish it.

Now some may argue that my list is too idealistic, that no one person could ever live up to those standards.  I beg to differ.  Why?  Because everything I stated on my list, are the things I am doing and becoming myself.  I am NOT asking for that which I am not or working to become.

Needless to say, after I finished with my list, there was very little left to pick from.  I can’t tell you how many people I have met that seem to be okay with mediocrity, just barely making it, just having barely enough.   And I am not speaking of material things, I am talking about emotional abundance.  I have talked to some men and women who are in serious relationships, very unhappy, but stay because it is convenient.  Some women stay, no, many women stay because they don’t feel like they can do any better.  And they just settle for being barely alive (as always, switch the sexes where appropriate).

Now, I do understand that all relationships go through their seasons.  You are not always going to want to be in it.  However, when people began to emotionally check out, blatantly disrespect or ignore you and this continues for an indefinite amount of time after you’ve done all you can to repair it, why are you still there?   These were questions I had to ask myself in my own relationship.   If you are always going through a storm, no matter how much you love that man or that woman, it won’t replace the love that they need to have for themselves.  It is like pouring concrete down a black hole, no matter how much you pour, it will never fill up.   Only that black hole knows where the “stopper” is.

This is what often times happens in romantic relationships, what seems to be the most celebrated and the norm.  How many songs have been written about, “If I only love you enough, I can heal you, I can save you.”     And what many don’t realize is, this “loving them through these repeated storms” is more about you than it is about them.   “If only I love him enough, then he’ll change and I can be happy.”    “If  he sees how I stuck with him through this storm, then he’ll have to love me and then I can finally have him all to myself.  I can finally be happy and validated.”   I told y’all, I’ve been there. 😉

And it’s rather selfish when you think you about it.  You’re basically trying to manipulate somebody into loving you.  And more than likely they can sense that.  Now, I truly think that life is about reciprocity.  You don’t just take and not give back.  Materially or emotionally.  I also think that if You go out of your way to love and be there for someone else and they, in turn, betray you, then that is not honoring One’s SELF nor is that honoring God or the Universe.

However, You can NOT control someone else’s actions, thoughts, beliefs or feelings.   So if You have loved someone and they have betrayed you and have not done anything to rectify it, then that should be a warning sign that perhaps this is not the person for you.   If they do attempt to rectify it, but continue to betray you…well?  There is no such thing as sometimes integrity, either you demonstrate it or you don’t.   If someone is honest, loyal, committed, trusting in October, but then completely flips the script in November, and then becomes honest, loyal, committed, and trusting again in June and then turns around and betrays you in August, then it would stand to reason that they were never honest, loyal, committed and trusting in the first place.    Integrity does not exist in seasons or in phases, either you have it or you don’t.   There really isn’t a gray area in that. And you deserve consistency.

Finally, I want to add that you cannot trick anybody into loving you.  You can be manipulative, but eventually, the other person will sense that and hidden resentment will start to form which will slowly start to chip away at the foundation of that relationship (if there was ever a strong foundation in the first place).  If you help somebody out, make sure it is coming from a genuine place; not a place of expectations and not with a hidden agenda.  You will be disappointed most of the time if you do.  And don’t play the Victim either, that’s another one that will only get you so far before it backfires.

If you only do something for your Mate in hopes that they won’t cheat on you, leave you or anything like that, you are operating from a place of fear.   And there is nothing fulfilling in that. There is nothing that can grow from that.  You simply can’t love away someone else’s pain.  No matter how hard you try.  That is their journey to walk, not yours.   The best you can do is show by example, through bettering yourself and hope that they get a clue.  But if not, you’ve got to be ready to let go and move on.  And usually, if you have been really doing your work, letting go won’t be that hard.  You will be a different person,  there will be things that you simply won’t settle for anymore or tolerate.

The Real Ones are going to be there for you, love you at your lowest and at your highest.  They will seldom betray you and if they do, they will rectify it immediately and it won’t become this constant bout.   The Real Ones will be consistent.   They will come from SELF, they will be centered.   And the love they have to give will be full and abundant because there is no black hole in them.   They will give love from a source within themselves that has an infinite amount not just for you, but everyone that is genuine in their life.  It won’t be jealous, needy, manipulative or toxic.  The Real Ones won’t let anything foreign, toxic, or false come in between you.  They will do this not only because they love you, but mainly because they love themselves and they won’t do to you, what they would not do to themselves.  That’s how real “love” and genuine connections operate.   And in order to experience that, we’ve got to become it.

So make sure when you make a list about everything that you want in a Mate, when you look in the mirror, you possess those same qualities yourself.


One Response

  1. Very encouraging.

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