• DeAara Lewis

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The Truth About Being Single…

I was reading an article the other day about being “Successfully Single.”   The article was describing all the things that singles should and could do to live their lives to the fullest during this “transition.”   To tell you the truth, the article made single hood more alluring than couple hood.   I’m a risk taker at heart, always have been.   I will try almost anything once just to have the experience.    So many of the things that were being suggested to do while One is single was quite attractive – sky diving,  hang gliding, traveling the world,  swimming with wild dolphins  (I’m a dolphin fanatic) and pursuing your passion to the fullest all while making new friends to experience these ventures with or going solo if that’s your choice.

After reading the article, it got me to thinking, “Why does all this have to stop when One enters into a relationship?”    Of course, most articles will suggest that this new found attitude continue well into your new relationship, but most folks know that it will slowly simmer down to the monotonous life that many had before they got involved.    The reason why, it seems, is because many people only start “living” in order to prepare themselves for a relationship.     It’s like, their life is on hold, all the fun, the spontaneity, the waking up daily high on life doesn’t really count because they are single.   It only counts when they are in a relationship – at least that’s how much of society dictates it to be.

I then read another article from a Singles Website that stated:

The goal of being alone should not be to prepare us for couple hood. Rather, the goal of being single should be to learn to fulfill ourselves, to meet our needs, and to develop as a human being regardless of whether or not we choose to enter into a relationship. By learning to love and care for ourselves, we diminish the risk of starving for someone else to fill the void within our souls; a void that only we can truly fill.

I don’t think I could have worded that any better than that other than to add, the goal of being alone should be the same goal as being in a relationship – to live.  And I mean truly, truly live.

It’s no secret that my last serious relationship ended on a very bad note.  Next month, in fact, it will be a year since I have been the dreaded “S” word.    The first few months following the break up was filled with shock, grief, fear, confusion, joy, apathy, hope, drama, stress, peace, anger, rage, panic and calm all merrily balled up in one bag together.   A few months ago, thinking that I would still be alone around this time (the Holidays) absolutely terrified me and literally made me sick.   I had become use to and quite comfortable with having my “other half.”     My life in that area was pretty much safe and predictable.  For four years, I had a companion and for better or for worse, I was in it for the long haul in spite how incongruent our core values really were with one another.  We were on two different levels, speaking through two different frequencies, trying to make a life together work and wondering why we kept coming up short.

However, life and the Universe had other plans for me because in the blink of an eye it seemed, my relationship was gone; over.   Quite abruptly, with very little warning of how deep the violations were.    And for a while it seemed, the blows kept coming.   Being betrayed, no warning, no explanation, no accountability or apology.  I started to feel like a freak, like something was wrong with me.   I was being viciously targeted by an obviously very insecure and wounded woman I didn’t know and the former “love of my life” didn’t stand up for me; which was very unlike him.  It was like he switched teams mid season and didn’t give me a heads up.    And no matter what either one of them did; how deep and reckless the violations were,  they always seemed to point the finger back at me.  Talk about illusions, insanity and projections.

Now don’t get me wrong, I was no saint in this situation.  Like my former mate, I brought baggage from my life as well into our relationship and allowed it to poison us just as much as he did.   I dealt with bouts of depression, insecurity, suspicion (justified and unjustified) and often times a sense of feeling worthless.    And as much as I tried to blame him at times for me feeling that way, I knew deep down inside that this really had nothing to do with him.

Chaos entered my life like a misfired missle .  I was angry, confused and constantly asked God, “Why me?”  One minute I was on shaky, but solid ground and the next I was free falling.   I had never experienced betrayal that deep before, had absolutely no frame of reference for it and the thought of my ex being with someone else and it wasn’t me nearly brought me to my knees in agony.  How could he?  How could he even want to?  All the things I had given, had put up with, had introduced into his life?  No, this was wrong. Someone up in the heavens had pushed the wrong button, had deleted the wrong file.  This was not suppose to happen to me, I would say to myself over and over again.

I honestly believed that you don’t just give of yourself and your life like that just to have somebody shit all over you and go on as if you never existed.   To pick up, to not miss a beat and to go on with some woman who you judge doesn’t hold a candle to you in any shape, way or form.

Not to mention, this woman he was newly dating, attempted to insensitively throw in my face that she had “my man” and proceeded to gloat about it, which didn’t make me feel any better.   I truly felt like I was being picked on, like a target.   And all I wanted at that time was my old life back, no matter how painful it was; no matter what I had to sacrifice to get it back.  However, as fate would have it, my pride never allowed me to show that side of myself to my former mate while all of this was unfolding.  It was something inside, something beyond me that would not let me beg, plead or compromise myself so that he would come back.  Even when I tried to force it, I would literally shut down.  And this voice inside my head would say, “No more DeAara.  This has to end.  It has to stop.  And it has to stop with you.  You cannot go on living your life in contrast to what you really want, to who you really are.”  And thankfully, I listened to that voice my head.

I then got some serious support and faced my demons and fears like I have never faced them before.   Now I would like to say that one day I woke up and realized that I was completely healed from what happened and that’s when he finally reach out to me and apologized and we are on friendly terms and everybody is happy.   But as I’m sure you guessed, that’s not what happened.   Things actually got worse for me before they got better.  But that was only because I was facing deep, deep rooted pain and it was bleeding itself in order to heal.  Of course, you couldn’t have told me that’s what was going on at the time.   During that time, everyday was a fight to get out of bed and keep moving.  Everyday was a fight  to keep going after my dreams, to not internalize the low blows that love and life had dealt me; to not let bitterness and resentment define me.  And you know what?  Slowly, but surely, things got better.  Each and everyday, the sun shined a little brighter.

The thought of my former mate and I not being together didn’t hurt me as deep as it once did and neither did him currently being with someone else.   And over time, it didn’t bother me at all.   The memories of those last few weeks of our relationship and post trauma are really just memories now.  There is no charge on them.  Sometimes, I do feel disappointed that I never received an apology from him nor the woman he is currently seeing for how they unfairly came at me (however, I dealt with that very, very thoroughly).  But what I had to accept is that everyone does not operate like I do.  And this taught me a valuable lesson about paying attention to how people show up.  It taught me to pay more attention to a person’s actions rather than to their words.   If a person will leave you hanging on something small, they will leave you hanging on something big.  And it’s best to know that before any deep, permanent investments are made.  These were some bitter, nasty, cold-hearted, but necessary pills to swallow.

Now, I am finally seeing what my Father and both my Mentors were telling was going to happen if I meticulously did my work;  if I consistently faced the pain and went down the rabbit hole, no matter what was there – and that is the possibilities.  Life’s possibilities.  I have never been this high on life in my adulthood.  I feel like a teenager; a healthy, mature one who is focused but still likes to  have a wild, smokin’ good time.

Being single is not the end of the world.  It doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you or that you are a reject no more than being in a relationship means you are stable and validated.   Make sure you see yourself through your own eyes.   What good is being in a relationship if you are unhappy, jealous, clingy, unstable, disloyal, insecure and suspicious all of the time?  What could you possibly be getting out of it that could outweigh your own joy and peace of mind?

If someone told me last year that this was going to be my life this year, I would have clung on to my former mate for dear life in hopes that he didn’t leave me.   Now that I am actually here, my only regret is that I didn’t make this move sooner.

I may find my “Soul Mate” one day or I may not.  Right now, I really don’t care.   Over the past ten months, I have renewed old friendships and have made some wonderful new friends and the new connections keep coming.  This summer, I traveled to three different countries in eight days, am on my way to Florida in a couple of days for a workcation, training in mixed martial arts, saving up to buy a motorcycle, producing a new movie and learning two new languages.

I’m not doing ANY of this in hopes that some hot guy will notice me and pursue me as his mate.  This is not a love audition.  I am doing it because I am honoring SELF, the adventure seeker in me who is always high on life, who wants new experiences and exciting stories to write about all while meeting new people.  If I meet the perfect guy along the way, that would be awesome.   But, he would have to come hard, because I don’t know if he’ll be able to compete with current love of my life – Me.


8 Responses

  1. Absolutely love love this post! I’ve always wondered the same thing about why we have to throw away everything we did when we were single just because we get into relationships. Usually I feel like it’s because the guy doesn’t like to do the same things, but more power to us, we should do them alone!

    • You are absolutely right Gizzy! Life goes on whether a person is in the relationship or not. So why not live life to the fullest, regardless of a relationship status.

  2. I have the biggest crush on you! Not in THAT way, but you make me smile from ear to ear!

    • Awe!!!! Thanks Kym! You and Justin so inspire me with your marriage. If it ever happens for me, you guys are definitely one of my role models for it!

  3. That is wonderful insight, D

  4. That’s my girl. Proud to see that you fought and beat your demons. You’ve showed me how it’s done and I ‘must’ follow suit. ‘Life Lessons’ come in many flavors, and since i’ve met you, i’ve ihaled quite a few. God Bless.
    My friend says this reads like it’s her life. Come back to CALI!!!

    • I plan to Donald! Trying to be up out of here in a few short months. I’m glad you liked the post; it came from the heart and I wrote it hoping to help more people know that life is all about perception. Change how you see things, change your life.

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