I received quite a few emails yesterday regarding the post, “If He Will Do It To You, He Will Do It Her.” Quite a few women thanked me for writing the post. They said that it soothed their fears about what their former mate was doing with their new partner and confirmed beliefs that they already had. I was very humbled that my post struck such a nerve with people, but it also got me a little concerned that some of my views were taken out of context.
True, most rebound relationships do NOT last and if they do for an extended period of time, it is usually hell on that person that did the violations. This is NOT because he has decided to see somebody else and he is now being punished by the “Relationship Gods”, it is because more than likely he never gave himself any closure in the previous relationship and is more than likely subconsciously comparing his new mate to his former mate.
However, there is another side to the equation. Some rebound relationships do in fact last. Despite how foul, unfair, irrational and cruel the break up was with you and your former mate, those relationships that they immediately get into can actually win sometimes. Now before you go feeling down in the dumps about this, remember this – it’s not like you are there to witness all of this happening. In fact, you have no idea what is going on. And more than likely, it was not about you!
Also, whether that relationship last or not, what does that really have to do with you? Yes, it may have been extremely messed up what he did to you (once again, change the sexes as you see fit), so now what? Are you going to live in the past, carry constant anger, grief and resentment around where ever you go? I am not suggesting that you are not going to feel these things, trust me, you will. And once you feel them and work through them, LET THEM GO! Letting go may be a process you may have to do over and over and over and over, until it is lasting, but the more you do it, the easier it will get.
Plugging yourself into someone else’s pain just so can feel better does nothing but sets you up for failure and stunts your own spiritual growth. The thing is, the pain that you are imagining this person going through is simply your own projection or fantasy. You really have no idea how he feels unless you have gotten some direct information.
Now, I don’t think someone who actually has a conscience can shit on someone else and just go on with their lives without feeling some regret and remorse, but my thinking is based on what I have learned and studied over the years about human behavior and how we operate. And even knowing this, the question still remains, “So what?” If that man came back to you and admitted that you were 100% right and he was 100% wrong, what does that mean? What do you get other than a stroked Ego? True, it may provide some closure, but waiting for that day is like waiting for the sun to rise.
How about going on with your life, truly forgiving yourself, that man and the other woman and live your life to the fullest? How about seeing what you can learn from this, how you can turn it around into something that can benefit you and truly working to let go? How about sharpening your Picker, so you can make some better choices in men so that you don’t end up in this type of situation again? How about really, really healing yourself so you can be that in which you ask for? If you do all of this, it won’t matter if he comes back and holds himself accountable or not. It won’t matter if he breaks up with the “Home Wrecker” or marries her and lives happily ever after, because it will be you that you will have found and that will be more than enough to make life worth living and that’s when your “soul mate” usually comes along anyway – when you are enjoying life, truly loving you and not looking.
Pass this along to anyone who can use it.
Filed under: Dreamer's Inspiration, Rant for the Day | Tagged: break ups, DeAara Lewis, letting go, rebound relationships |
Do It Scared! 
U r so right, who cares what the perpetrator does once you all have broken up!! Out of sight, out of mind is what i always say–and no I’m not some super human creature who feels nothing once its over, u should allow urself the room to grow and figure what out it is that made the relationship go sour..Learn from the mistakes of your past or u will definitely repeat them.
I really needed this! omg, i contradict myself so much on how to feel, and i’ve came with this theory as well , this just confirmed i pretty much had the right mindset..
Remember in high school where at the end of your senior year there was this time to “bequeath” memories, funny sayings or whatever to your friends? Maybe in a final edition of the school paper or the yearbook? As if memories, feelings and thoughts were yours to actually give away…
In the same spirit, as if there were no limits on what is mine to give, here is what I bequeath to you, Dana, the new woman in his life, engaged to him 2 weeks after he left me.
I give to you all the fast forwarding and future faking you can handle. I give to you the ability to believe in your heart the promise that he loves you like no other, that he can’t see himself with anyone else, that you are “the one”, that you will be married real soon and that he isn’t going to leave. You know the last time he told me he wasn’t going anywhere? About a week before he called you to plan moving out.
I give to you deep pockets and a large amount of good credit. I give to you the ability to support his irrational need of new things and find the same level of importance to the latest cell phone, new cars, big TVs, video games and clothes and to make these things a priority in your life over vacations, saving ,etc. I give you the ability to shrug off your hurt when the things you buy for him today are discarded or sold on Craigslist tomorrow.
I give to you a large set of blinders and hope you keep them on at all times. Blinders so that you won’t see that there is a very high probability you are at best a relationship that wasn’t thought out very well and at worst a rebound relationship. Blinders so that you can keep believing you are the exception to every relationship rule.
I give to you a space heater so that you will be able to stay warm when the man who loved you and blew so hot at the beginning suddenly turns cold.
I give to you a maid who will help you clean up after him once he stops being the loving partner that helps you out like he promised.
I give to you the gift of mathematical ignorance for a few reasons:
So that you won’t see that after you sell your one and only asset you have (your car) for under it’s value in order to “help him” pay for his legal expenses in fighting for custody of his son (which he won’t win), you will have very little left to live on and no security blanket. A few thousand dollars is gone in a moment these days. And once that other car is gone, the pressure to pay the payment on MY car only increases. Know this, if you miss just one payment, I will take the car back in a heartbeat and then where will you be? I know his credit is bad and can’t get another car. How about you?
So that you won’t understand that after the child support for two children is removed from his paycheck by child support services, there will not be enough to support you, him and your child. But not to worry, you have your disability checks to get you through.
So that you will remain ignorant to the odds that are stacked against you. Like these: 73% of all third marriages fail. And his impending marriage to you is officially his third. The number increases to 85% if there are step-children involved. That’s you, BTW. I’m going to add in a few more factors to this number. I’m going to add in 2 more percentage points for financial issues which you are sure to have to get it up to 87%. I think it’s fair to add in another 5 points because your child has emotional and/or behavioral issues to put us up to 92%. I did actually see this first hand with my autistic brother and the strain it caused with my mother’s relationships (they all failed). Finally, although it’s not official or technically correct, I think we should add in 2 more marriages for him. One for baby momma #2 and one for me. He did propose to each of us and I am certain that if pushed, he would have done the deed with each just like I am certain he would have divorced us both when it suited him. So let’s actually say that you are marriage #5. To a man who is 30. I think we are safe to put you at a 99% chance of this relationship not working out.
I give to you a great lawyer to help you file bankruptcy. After you are married, his debts become yours and if you have decent credit now, you won’t soon. And know there are more debts coming. Know that he will default on his school loans, credit card and medical bills.
I give to you a broken scale and amusement park mirrors. Staying healthy and eating right are not important or a priority. You will look and feel like crap before you know it.
I give you the leading role in the next romantic comedy so that you can be the exception to the rule and get your happy ending.
I give to you the biggest ears and a brain coated in Teflon. The ears to be able to listen to the nonstop complaining, problems, new issues, old issues, drama with baby momma #1. The Teflon so that you won’t let his world overwhelm and overpower yours.
I give to you a team of medical professionals. At a time when you least expect, most likely the first time he is caught with actions not matching his words, he will tell you he is bipolar (as is his father). He is prone to injury and sickness and slow to recover. And then he might let you in on the fact that there is a long line of cancer in his family over a smoke.
I give you a soft bed and pillows so that you can rest when you are tired from carrying more than your fair share.
I give you a superhero dose of strength. Strength so you know when to cut your losses, strength to recognize the insanity while you are still ahead, strength to know when his actions don’t match his words and strength to do something about it when you do.
Most of all, I give you my empathy. For as much as I want to hate you and blame you, I cannot. I understand where you are and the decisions you have and most likely will make. My hope for you is that he has learned something from the rest of us along the way and that he is a better man for you.