• DeAara Lewis

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If He Will Do it To You, He Will Do It To Her…

There is a new song out that really hit home with me called, “Statistics” by a very talented artist named Lyfe Jennings.   It took me some time to warm up to the song, but once I really listened to the lyrics, I fell in love with it.  The song is basically encouraging women to make wiser choices in the men that they choose.  One of my favorite lines in the song is when he says, “If he will cheat on her, that means he will cheat on you.”

Tears flooded my eyes when I first listened to the lyrics.  It reminded of a relationship I had ended to due to a deep violation.   And it also reminded of me of how women can often times put themselves in some very compromising positions so that they can feel loved.  One disturbing trend that has been going on lately is some women feeling “empowered” because they took another woman’s man.  I find this thought process quite disturbing because it takes the accountability away from the man who has violated and places it on the woman.

I have said this many times, another woman cannot take a man away from anyone else.  That man is an adult with the total capacity to reason and make his own choices.  If he leaves, that is only because he chose to do so.  Blaming another woman for that man’s choice only delays the process of having to face the pain of rejection and truly hold him accountable.

And these women who feel victorious because they have “taken” another woman’s man have only set themselves up as well.  There is a deeper program at work here.  They feel inadequate and are looking for a way to feel validated.  And ladies, if he was a broken down Pinto with you, what makes you think he is going to be a Lexus with the other woman?

Sure, he may try and have the best intentions, but if the inside is not fixed, the outside is only going to work for so long.  One thing I had to learn when I went through a similar situation is to not take it so personal.  It really isn’t about you.  Lack of integrity and accountability is about that man (or woman, switch the wording where you see fit).

That was a very difficult lesson for me to learn.  A former mate is now trying extra hard not make same mistakes with his new girlfriend that he made with me.  That’s very admirable and it shows signs of growth on his part, but I couldn’t help  but think about when he was trying extra hard with me and still could not stay consistent.  If anything, he just got better at lying, making things appear smooth and happy.

What I’m mainly suggesting here is, unless there is some strategic plan put in place to fix the Pinto, all you will ever get is a Pinto.   If a relationship is disrupted due to outside interruption, betrayal, deceit and someone else has become a rebound, the best intentions will still end up hurting the next woman because often times, the man cannot get any real peace and carries a lot of guilt and shame.  Usually, they are not as emotionally attached to the rebound, so it is easier to do to them the things they found it difficult to do to you.

I am not saying to rejoice about this because it is a sad situation all the way around and no matter what hand is played, somebody gets hurt.  A former mate of mine chose to remain with the woman who  played a part in destroying our relationship, for better or for worse.  And now, he is miserable as hell.  But, that is a prison that he has built for himself unable to see that he can walk away anytime he chooses to.  Neither one of them are happy, they just don’t want to lose.  So they hold each other’s happiness and freedom hostage, so they don’t have to face the pain of being alone.

I can’t help but be grateful that I am not in a situation like that.    I know that sometimes when you win, you actually lose.  And that was one game I bowed out of early on because there is nothing a barely living human being can do to enrich my life; even if I “won him back” (which was highly possible at the time), I still would have lost because of the condition I got him in – the condition that she has him in: bitter, angry, moody, untrusting, having to force himself to appear happy when he is miserable on the inside because he doesn’t want to be there but doesn’t want to hurt her.

So ladies just remember, like I always say, sometimes you’ve got to lose in order to win.  A break up is not the end of the world, it’s just the end of that relationship.   And if you think you “lost” to another woman, ask yourself – Would you really want to be with a man where you had to be part of a choice anyway?  Take your Ego out of it.  A Pinto is a Pinto is a Pinto.   It takes honesty, dedication, self commitment, education, guidance and planning to become a Lexus.  And if he did it to you and you know you gave the very best you could of yourself, what on earth makes you think she won’t get the same thing?


4 Responses

  1. well put…perfectly worded! i’ve been trying to tell women this for years, but i know it means so much more coming from another woman….

  2. Big Pretty;

    I don’t believe that you believe any of that jargon that you just wrote. You are way past that. On the other hand, maybe your words will help somebody.

    • El,

      I am thankful that you acknowledge my evolvement but I am somewhat confused on what part of my statement that you consider jargon. Please point out some specifics and I can address them.

  3. From a male’s perspective, this also hits home to me. I met a woman once… Scratch that. I met a girl once. She was pretty, had a nice body and was charasmatic. I knew I wanted to date her, and we ended up an item. Everything was great till one Christmas Eve, she told me she was through with me. Bummer. I knew she wasn’t marriage material by any stretch of the imagination, but I never did anything to hurt her. She didn’t have that regard toward me.

    After she realized what an ass her boy toy was, she wanted to get back with me. She told me when we were dating, she was cheating on her then boyfriend, which happened to be a good friend of mine. She didn’t know that part. She also told me during our relationship, she cheated on me. I knew if I took her back, it would end up the same way it ended, with her going off with someone else. I then envoked rule of if I date you, you get one chance. Once we are through, we are done.

    I am happy she did that to me. It made me take a good long look at myself when I did this sort of thing. The pain isn’t worth destroying two friendships. Sure I can date two women without either knowing, but why? Ego boost? Perhaps. The thrill of getting caught? Possibly.

    In the long term of things, i know I will never marry. I met the one woman who truly knew me. When we met, we spent hours on the phone every night for a week. It seemed as though we knew each other all our lives. She wanted to be friends and maybe if things worked out, we could progress from there. I’m not sure what happened between us. We remained friends, but over the years we lost touch. If she’s out there, I want her to know she was my Lexus, never a Pinto in my eyes.

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