As Painful As It Was, I Would Still Do It Again…

I was having a discussion with my sister the other day about the last seven months of my recovery from a life altering situation I had gone through.  She asked me if I had known then what I know now, what would I have done differently.  I thought and thought and thought about it; I tried to envision my life with making some different choices and the only thing I could come up with was – nothing.  That’s when I realized that I wouldn’t have played my card any differently even if I had known what was going to happen.  Even if I had known all of the overwhelming pain that I was going to experience , the shock from the deep betrayal and lies revealing themselves and having to confront insane vampires, I still would have played the same hand.

Why?  Because so many good things have come out of this.  Through the destruction and the ashes, a new life has emerged.  It forced me to take a serious, serious look at myself, my behavior and my choices in friends.  It forced to me to have a serious dialogue with a family member that I had put off for more than fifteen years.  It forced me to take the blinders and the purple sunglasses off and see life for what it really is and people for who they really are.  It has forced me to stay in the present and constantly hold myself accountable.  There is just some bullshit I will no longer eat, I trust my instincts and my intuition now.

I still have my bad days, but now, I have a foundation that I hold on to, a support group that I reach out to and I realize that no one can hurt me without my permission.  I don’t try to talk my way out of what I lived my way into and I set very clear boundaries now.  Most of all, when I look in the mirror, I have reflection.  There is not one vampire vein in my blood.  And no longer do I recite pop psychology rhetoric because it sounds good and not try to live it.

The road ahead is still a long and bumpy one.  There will still be bad days, but as Big Mama said in “Soul Food”, “If you let the bad days wear you down, you miss the good days.”   And I have had many, many more good days than I have had bad.  Life has been more fun and adventurous in these past few months than it has in the past few years.  And that’s something I plan to make  the norm, not the exception.

So if you are going through a very painful, emotional, and confusing time, see how you can turn it around.  Sometimes, the thing that seems bad, painful or unfair is probably the best thing that could have happened to you.

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One Response

  1. Now you have the experience of the experience. More times than not by playing a particular card at a particular time in a particular situation it leads us into some very precarious situations as a follow-up. Sometimes we are left bitter and emotionally damaged. Other times we scarred for life and doomed to continue to repeat the same behaviors. The best time is when we can sit down and take a honest of assessment of the play then realize and understand the lesson that is wrought. For you, the overarching rationalization of the total as opposed to a separate-sum has greatly enhanced your perspectives. Good for you Honeychile! You are on the ball!

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