In the urban arena, they are just known as “haters.”  Unworthy witnesses or haters come in all forms.  Many times they are family members, close friends or co-workers.

So how do you know when you have a “hater” amongst you?  Often times, you don’t.  Because they have no idea of what they are doing, all they know is that you being you causes grave discomfort for them.  And when you are not aware of their presence and have no idea how to defend yourself, they can pollute your psyche, plants cancerous seeds of self-hatred and doubt and you could lose years on going after your life goals.

I have had my share of “unworthy witnesses”/”haters”, it wasn’t until I became older that I realized something was not right, but I didn’t know what to do about it.  I had absolutely no idea how to protect or defend myself from their toxicity.  Hell, half of the time, I couldn’t even tell when they were polluting me because their entrance into my psyche was so smooth, my guard did not detect it.  I just knew that I started to doubt myself, who I was, where I wanted to go, who I wanted to be.

I have been an entertainer even as a child.  I’ve always loved performing.  Acting, writing stories, singing, drawing – anything that had to do with creating.  Unfortunately, I dealt with my share of unworthy witnesses.  I got accused of “showing off” often.  Many times some family members, so-called friends, strangers or even nemesis would attempt to humiliate  me because they didn’t understand me.

Then there were those who saw my talent and instead of giving me praise, they either remained mum or only pointed out my short-comings.

I was told I could not sing and would be laughed at simply because I didn’t sound like my older sister.  And for many years, I believed them.  I was told I was a “show off” because I liked creating, performing and expressing myself.  And for many years, I believed them.  I was told I was bald-headed therefore unattractive because my hair was not long and for many years, I believed them.  I was told that I was fat (by elementary drama teacher at that) because I was not skinny – and for many years, I believed them.

Growing up in this culture can do a number on a child’s self-esteem when there isn’t a lot of protection against mental vampires.  And it did certainly did a number on me.  While I never fully gave up my belief that I was greater and better than who many people told me I was, a part of me was always afraid to express it fully.

Eventually, I got labeled “the actress” because I was very good at it, enjoyed it, and I didn’t pose much threat to anyone else’s lane.  And I also began a very long battle with my weight.  I had this “one day I’ll be beautiful” mentality.  One day, I was going to be thin, I was going to have long flowing hair, I was going to be discovered and everyone was going to see how great I was.  Then I would prove them all wrong!  Oh, and I’d also have a really hot boyfriend which would prove that I was worth something to all of the other boys who I liked but did not like me back.

When I shared this thinking with my life coach, he jokingly asked, “So how’s that been working out for you?”  “Not very well” I replied. That was when I learned about how unworthy witnesses work.

Granted, a lot of those thoughts and ideals I had already shed from the number of years I had been working on myself – but some of them were still very much a part of my reality.

I did an inventory of all the people who either teased me or tried to humiliate me for being who I was.  And I was deeply shocked with what I learned.  One of them was dead, one was in jail, many had many children very early and was struggling in poverty to raise them, some were addicts, and some had just given up on life and settled for a mediocre existence.  These were the people I listened to growing up.  These were the people I let define and determine who I was; who I tried to change for simply to make them feel more comfortable.

There were a couple who had gone on to be quite successful and when I reconnected with them, they admitted to me that they too, were going through a rough time during those years  and simply took it out on me.  Basically, they did to me, what had been done to them.

This gave me a completely new perspective on who I was.  And one thing I realized is – I determine who I want to be. If I am a show off, so what?  If I can’t sing like my sister, so what?  I sing like DeAara.  If I will never be a size 6, so what?  If I never have long, flowing hair, so what?  If I have a long-lasting relationship or if I don’t, so what?  None of this defines me, none of this makes me who I am.  And if I go for any of this, then I see myself through someone else’s eyes and I become their puppet.  And that’s something I refused to be.

I am who I am.  Everyday is a battle to pull my own strings.  And the only thing that matters more than breathing is staying true to myself.  Even if it goes against what someone else may want me to do or who they want me to be.

The Real Ones walk their own path and walk with you at the same time because you all are going in a similar direction.  They are just as hungry as you are and go hard for what they want just as much as you do.  This, I’ve experienced time and time again.  If you stay true to who you are, even if everyone in your life is telling you to give up, you will meet others who will really get you, who will really see you.  And the unworthy witnesses will either change their tune, gracefully step aside or cease to exist altogether in your life.

As I already chronicled in this blog, I temporarily lost my vision, illness hit my family left and right, old drama revisited my life and some of my friendships and family connections ended.

Yeah, that was definitely a way to start out the first six months of the year.  However, as I’ve often stated, I continued to do my work and although I had some stressful situations happen, I also had some very positive things happen as well.

Now looking back, it was actually as if the negative things happened for a reason.  The old drama that flared up in early spring put closure to something I had dearly wanted resolution on.  It put someone whom I once considered a friend in a more truthful light and any doubts that I had about how repugnant they really were, was put to rest.  And although I felt deep sadness about how deluded and cowardly they had become, I felt thankful knowing that was a connection and a situation I know longer had to deal with.

I lost a couple of more friends as well and disconnected from some family members.  One situation, if I could go back in time, I would have handled differently.  I didn’t regret confronting them about their behavior, but I do regret my approach.  I was very sad that they had chosen to end our friendship too, because that was something I didn’t want.  I just wanted that person to take a look at their behavior and my confronting them must have set off something deeper.

The last friend I lost, I can honestly say I did not see that one coming and that was probably the loss that was the most hurtful because I never got a reason.  All I saw was a very immature, ignorant, and passive aggressive response from someone they were relative to on a social media site and had to put two and two together.

The first thing I had to do was take a look at myself.  I asked myself was there something about me, something I did or said to have lost these people in my life, something I had done or that I do that pushes some people away.

That was a hard question to ask myself because my ego came up quite a bit.  But when I relaxed and looked at different parts of myself in a very nonjudgemental and compassionate way, I was able to see myself much clearer.

Truth be told, there are some things about myself that I could stand to change in response to how I relate to some people. Some things I had already started changing when all of this occurred.  Sometimes I could be very blunt and not consider how my words affected others.  Sometimes, I could be too passive and not set clear boundaries and then find myself avoiding someone because I didn’t feel like dealing with their baggage.

Sometimes, I could get so caught up in my own world, my ambitions, my career, the soap opera of my life that I wasn’t available when a friend needed me.

I was very thankful for the situations that happened so that I could see these things and made a committment to work on them.  Taking a look at how I show up also forced me to take a look at how these people showed up as well.  And truth be told, overall, I didn’t really like it.

I even had a couple of family members disconnect, some I was trying to get to know, but they had a problem with my views about life and how I chose to express them.  That’s when I also decided I was no longer going to censor who I was.  Yes it was hurtful that I could not get to know these people, but if getting to know them meant biting my tongue, always having to watch what I say so I would not offend them (however this did not apply the other way around), then those were relationships I did not need nor relationships I desired.

With my former friends, there was behavior that I peeped that was very unstable and disloyal and I tried to turn a blind eye to because I didn’t want to lose the connections, but I could never totally let it go.  There was bashing of my nephew by one former friend.  Something I tried to forgive, but never forgave totally.  After that situation happened, my sister (my nephew’s mother) ended nearly all ties with this person, only dealt with them on an as-need-to basis and encouraged me to do the same because she smelled a snake.  But at the time, I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt.

There were the unspoken guilt trips that I judged were placed upon me since someone had been there for me through a very difficult time and now tried to force the reciprocation from me.  There were the victim stories that I noticed; that no matter what happened in some of these people’s lives, it was seldom through any actions or fault of their own.

There was the gossip from another one.  The negative and highly critical things I had to think back on that was said about others who were considered friends.  I distinctly remember having the thought, “If they talk about this person like this to me, I can only imagine what they say about me to others.”

And I also realized I had already started connecting with other people.  People whom I had better, healthier connections.  My old friends were still there as well, in spite of the drama we had gone through in the past.

My life coach was actually the first person who pointed all of this out to me.

So just know that people ex’ing you from their lives is not necessarily a bad thing.  Many times, it needed to happen, perhaps they just had the courage to do it first.  All relationships are not meant to last a lifetime and you don’t want to have to tip-toe around anybody for fear that you will offend them and a conflict will occur.

I do, however, encourage you to take a look at yourself if that happens in an ego free way and see if there is anything about yourself that, that person may have been right about; something you could stand to change.

This is something that I do, and sometimes my ego does come up and I just ask it to step aside, because living in integrity is far greater than being right.  Being at peace is far more important than being right.

The work that I have been doing with my life coach for close to two years now is finally starting to rear its benefits.  I have been making very healthy connections with people and it has actually been quite effortless.  Some of my older friendships have improved because I am willing to look at the part I play in those relationships.

I can change no one but myself.  But if I change on the inside, for the better, so does my outside world.  The people who were no good for me simply removed themselves from my life.  I didn’t have to do anything.

I have a very low tolerance for bullshit now.  When I sense lack of character, lack of integrity, toxicity, severe unstableness or shadiness in someone, it is a connection I quickly end.  I am done with giving toxic people the benefit of the doubt.

So I start off this New Year in knowing that I am who I am.  No apologies.  I can be very blunt and direct when I want to be and sometimes I go through periods when I don’t want to be bothered.  My real family (which is not defined by blood for me) and friends accept this about me and love me anyway.  They have the courage to tell me when I have done something that they don’t like.  They have the compassion to listen to me when I express to them my dislikes in something they may have done.

They don’t behave passive aggressively with me; they don’t share things I’ve told them in confidence, out of context with foreign people, they don’t cease talking to me without giving me a reason or pretending it is a reason other than what it really is, they don’t delete me on their social media sites when I post something that they may not necessarily agree with and they don’t allow their friends or relatives to get into the middle of a conflict that is going on between us if one should arise.  Those are the type of people I like hanging with and the relationships I cherish and those are the relationships I will nurture in 2012 and beyond.

Since it’s the holidays and we were in the spirit, we decided to do Eartha Kitt’s classic “Santa Baby.” This actually wasn’t the first choice, Deneka wanted to do another song, but due to time restraints, she went ahead and did this one on a whim and so far, people have been responding to it quite well. I often joke with her that this is first real Gold Digger anthem. Lol.

Our other videos have also been slowly gaining traction in the wild, wild west of Youtube. Her cover of Kelly Rowland’s  “Motivation” has hit 23,000 views and her cover of Rihanna’s “Man Down” is close to 10,000 views. We couldn’t believe it. When we first started doing this, we were lucky if we got 300 views. We then studied everything we could about how to market on Youtube and on the Internet, even brought in a consultant and things seem to be paying off so far.

We have dealt with some negative feedback and that was tough at first, but we just take what we need from it and discard the rest. Youtube actually helps a person develop thick skin. Since it such an open place where anybody can say anything, regardless of whether it is valid or just, One really has to develop a strong psyche to survive in it.

The good news is that most people are gracious and supportive, so whenever I feel frustrated by a “dislike” or an arbitrary criticism, I am reminded of how many more people support us. It was actually Rod Pitts who taught me that. When I would receive harsh criticisms about “Tricks” he would always say, “DeAara, but look at how many support it. Focus on that. To hell with the rest of them.” So that’s the attitude we’ve had to take with our Youtube campaign and so far it’s paying off. Click here to check out Deneka’s cover of “Santa Baby” and please forward to your friends, family and give it a “thumbs up” on Youtube if you like it.

One more thing, my tentative next film, “Who the Hell is Nikki Love?” is currently in rewrite phase as well as a couple of other scripts I am working on. I will alert everyone when we are rolling out with production. Until next time! Have a safe and happy holiday season!

- DeAara

I have had some lows, some things that didn’t happen the way I wanted them to, some things happened just the way I wanted them to and many things remain in the abyss of the unknown.  Some major things I did not expect to happen was going through probably the worst betrayal in my life, filing bankruptcy, temporarily losing my vision in my right eye, illness continuously striking my family so much so, it never seemed like it would end; watching one of my dearest friends go into full paralysis in a matter of hours and learning that my dog more than likely has canine breast cancer.  Yes, life for me over the past couple of years (probably a little longer) had not been a crystal stair.

But I fought hard for myself.  I went and sought help when I felt like giving up on life.  I decided to return to something I’ve always enjoyed doing – martial arts.  I’m also slowly returning to what I love doing the most – performing.  And I got busy and learned how to market myself and my work and work every single day on living an honest life with complete integrity.

Some days I didn’t know what I was doing all of this for, but for some reason, I couldn’t stop.  I still meet weekly with my Life Coach and have been doing so for two years.  I’ve been practicing martial arts for over a year now and although I went through the bouts of a broken toe, have continued to get better and better.  My sister’s Youtube presence is quickly growing due to the videos and concepts we produce and I am gearing up to do the same as a way to expand my platform and brand.  My film “Tricks” is still selling and I am finally at the point that I can make a major push online with it.  Something I have been wanting to do for quite some time.  And as I develop my other scripts, I now am armed with much more knowledge, innovation and dedicated drive.

I honestly don’t think any of this would have been possible if I hadn’t gone through everything I went through, even the things that didn’t seem to directly connect.

Probably one of the most surprising turns in my life, one I totally, without a doubt did not see coming is that I met someone very special.  I was quite reluctant initially when we first started talking.  I was very honest with him about my past relationship (he had been reading this blog anyway, so he already had a clue, lol) and gently explained that this was an area that I tread very carefully in.

And to my surprise, he was very understanding.  He didn’t pry or attempt to get more information out of me than what I wanted to give and he was very patient.  More importantly, he was not judgmental.  Many people warn about talking about your past relationship with your new mate, but I knew that if we had any chance of genuinely connecting, I needed to be honest with him about that so he could understand if I seemed standoffish, distant or a little afraid.

Initially, I assumed he was just a typical guy or the typical guys I was use to meeting.  I was waiting for that red flag to reveal itself so I could have a reason to run.  But it never did.  And things that I assumed were red flags was from my own misconceptions.  He was very honest with me also when we first started talking.  He had confessed that he had a near death experience about six years ago.  Seeing him in person, you wouldn’t guess it, but hearing his perceptions about life – his honesty and his firm commitment to living a life full of peace, honesty and integrity is simply breath-taking and refreshing.

In the beginning, due to my own fears, I did run.  And even in that, although he was hurt, he was still patient with me.  Fearing that I had pushed away a really good guy, I went inside and dealt with my fears.  I had no intention of asking him to return to me, but as a woman who values her word, I did have to apologize for my behavior and that I did.

And once again he was understanding and even told me, “You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”  I think that was the night I truly fell in love with him.

We made a pact with one another to let each other be who we are.  I know that I can be bossy at times and try to run other people’s lives and I warned him about this and just asked him if he judged that I was doing that, to let me know.  He shared some of his flaws with me and asked me to be patient with him also and so far, it has been the most beautiful connection I have ever had.

Neither one of us know how long this connection will last.  It may just be a few months, a few years or a lifetime.  But had I not gone through the heart ache I went through in my previous relationships forcing me to see some things about myself that I wasn’t too proud of, therein forcing me to get help, I honestly do not believe I would have met him.

We attract to us, the kind of people who we are.   That’s another reason I didn’t date immediately following my last break up.  I knew that I was in foul, bitter, broken place.  I knew that whoever I got with during that time was going to reap the hell and misery I had lived out with my previous partner.  And that would not have been fair to him or to myself.

And I also went through a dry spell.  I wondered was something wrong with me, had I lost my mojo because I had never ever not had at least a friend to help past the time.  And during that time, I didn’t even have that.  But something deep inside of me whispered to me that it was not time.  And although I felt angry about this, I listened.  During that time, my life coach even reminded me that I would be no good to anybody in the place that I was in and he encouraged me to make peace with being alone.

And one firm commitment I made to myself was to never ever connect with anyone if I am in a desperate place.  I had all of the tools to work through almost any emotion that surfaces, so I had no reason to look for a man to fill that void, even at times when I wanted to.

And when the Universe finally whispered to me “it was time”, I listened.  But I remained still.  I didn’t try to talk to anybody, I didn’t chase up behind anybody, I didn’t try to trick and trap a man into loving me or any of that shit.  They just started coming to me.  Everywhere I went it seemed, it was someone interested in talking to me, even on days that I didn’t think I looked my best.

It actually became a little overwhelming and my Life Coach reminded me that I had been doing an awful lot of work on myself over the last two years, releasing a lot of negativity from my life and people could sense that.

My Mother told me I was about to meet someone very special, this was how it usually happens and sure enough that is what happened.

I see how different I am in this relationship than I’ve been in my previous ones.  I’ve been uncompromisingly honest and assertive.  I’ve set very clear boundaries and he did the same.  I didn’t force myself into it simply to appease him and I know that I can get out of it if ever I choose and the same goes for him.  I am still going after my dreams 100% and still planning to move and this time around made sure that he is a part of my life and not damn near my entire life.  We give each other our space and what is surprisingly delightful about this is when we do see one another we don’t want it to end.  Another thing that I absolutely love about him is, like me, he prefers to talk things out, get them out in the open and deal with them.  The few times we have not seen eye to eye on things, he was true to his word in how he handled it.

I learned a very valuable lesson in giving myself time to “miss” someone.  I value not seeing him everyday, having time just for myself and for other things I like to do.  Plus, there is still a lot of work left to do on myself.  I am not perfect.  I still have my battles and my own struggles.  But I also have tools and a determination to heal each one of them a little bit at a time.

We are taking it very slow and just enjoying one another for who we are as individuals.  As a matter of fact, I often joke with him the song that best describes our relationship almost exactly is the song “Just a Kiss” by Lady Antebellum which I find myself playing often.

I am very excited about my future.  About the things I plan to accomplish individually and also in this connection I have made with him as it continues to evolve.  And like I wrote earlier, whether it is only for a short time or forever, it is a connection that I will always cherish.

Luckily, that did not happen, so warmly present to you, Deneka’s Youtube Premiere of Rihanna’s hit song, “Man Down.” If you like it, please give it a thumbs up on Youtube and share it with your friends.
My Youtube Channel will be up and running very soon, so please stay tuned folks
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Thanks as always,
- DeAara

This week, his remix of Jay-Z and Kanye West’s extremely popular song, “Otis” debuted on Youtube and has been getting a lot of love, he also was interviewed in The Commercial Appeal and the Memphis Flyer and made a debut on the highly coveted Live From Memphis “60 Seconds.”  Links to all of this are below.

T.J. and I – where can I start?  I was there at the hospital when he was born.  I was thirteen years-old, had stayed out of school that day because my sister was in labor (I was also a little sore because she choked the hell out of me during one of  her labor pains).  When they brought him out of the delivery room he wasn’t the first thing I saw, it was actually my sister’s after birth.  It disgusted me so badly that I vowed never to eat chicken soup again (yes, that’s what it looked like to me and I didn’t eat it for almost 10 years).   But when I did see him I was excited and nervous as the same time.  What was it going to be like with a baby in the house, I thought.

Well, although it was different, it proved to be a lot of fun.  Deneka, my sister, was extremely protective of him (which hasn’t changed much in the past 20 years) and I just enjoyed being an aunt for the first time.  Over the years as he grew, we had our ups and downs.  His mouth would prove to be one of my biggest pet peeves but his sincerity, loyalty and passion more than made up for it.  And our bond deepened because when I would baby-sit him, we often played pretend.

We would create the scenes in these far away places and let our imaginations go there.  When he was bored or wouldn’t stop crying, Deneka would put on at-home concerts and sing her heart out.  So he got introduced to entertainment very organically.   His grandmother is also a singer and is grandfather (whom he affectionately calls “Big Daddy”) loves to sing and loves all-things Temptations.

I featured T.J. in some of my student projects while I was in college and he got to work on the sets of movie projects I would produce.  “Tricks” was a turning point not only for me but for him as well.  He was just starting to come into his own with his raps and it also helped that his mother, Deneka, who is also a professional singer, gave him his first performance set when she let him rap on some of her songs that she’d do live.

During the time of “Tricks”, I had come up with a song idea after listening to Bootsy Collins’ “I’d Rather Be with You.”  I wrote the hook and then Deneka and I wrote the rest of the song but we had no idea who to go to produce what would become “Tricks” theme song.  Our budget was small, my real estate business was starting to get hit hard due to the recession and I just didn’t have it like I once did.  Furthermore, we couldn’t find anybody who we could afford to produce it the way we wanted it done.

My nephew had already done two independent albums and knew the software, so Deneka and I put our money together, got him his recording equipment, invested in turning one of the bedrooms into a full-out recording studio and we got started on the very first full fledge song that T.J. engineered.  “That Healing Touch” was a big song, with over 30 tracks (F.Y.I. – This song and video are both actually going to be re-produced in the very near future due to some talent changes).  Deneka, who is also an opera singer, added some operatic parts on there, but it didn’t sound full enough, we needed some base.

After pulling some teeth, T.J. agreed to sing the base operatic part of the song.  Deneka worked and worked and worked with him until he got it and he did an outstanding job.  When people hear the song, they don’t even realize that is T.J. singing in it.    And as gifted as he is a rapper and writer, he is also a very good singer, although he doesn’t like people to know that.

He has a couple of other songs from some of his beginning work that I really want to produce a video for.  I know he has since moved on and is still experimenting with different sounds as he tries to find himself, but two of his first songs when it was just him, before his “Godfathers” entered the picture to really guide him, are my favorites to this day.

He and I sometimes have a difficult relationship.  Like me, he has a very strong personality and like me, he has to get his feelings out when he is upset.  The family says he and I bump heads so much because we act so much alike.   I can’t tell you how many times Deneka has called T.J. by name or me by his.

There have been times when I have wanted to completely disown him as my nephew, times that I wanted to fight him like he was a dude in the streets, but there are many more times that he has had my back and I have had his.  I broke up with a guy once for criticizing him and I never looked back.

Sometimes, because all of us are so close and are publicly pursuing careers in entertainment, people do try to come against us.  Sometimes they try to play us against one another.  Sometimes, to get to one of us, they try to go through another.  Thankfully, no one has ever succeeded and I think that has a lot to do with the kind of family we are.  Accountability, integrity and talking shit out until we are exhausted is very important to us.   Few secrets and fewer betrayals.

T.J. didn’t have the luxury of having his father in his life, but if you get to know him, you wouldn’t know it.  He also got unfairly targeted by some family members growing up for a multitude of reasons, mainly because he was so outspoken, lol.  But in  spite of all of this, he is still a walking example of a man because so many other men stepped up and filled those shoes.  My father, his “Big Daddy”,  his late great grand-father whom he affectionately called “Partner”, his late “PawPaw”,  his honorary uncle in Chicago who always keeps one foot in his ass and his many hip-hop “uncles” who would take a bullet for him if they had to.  He’s never been afraid to express his vulnerable side and if he is wrong, he will admit it.

He doesn’t disrespect women in life or in his music and although he is just 20-years-old, he has an “old-soul.” He is also very family oriented, being a peacemaker (just like his Mom) and wanting us to stick together.   I can’t imagine life without ever have known him.  I know he looks up to me, but he inspires me to stay on my game just as much as I have inspired him.

Tomorrow, he will be releasing his first big independent album, “4 All Seasonz” at the Hi-Tone on Poplar in Memphis, TN.  Doors open at 9:00 p.m. and it’s a $5.00 cover and $5.00 for the album.  I hope some of you can make it and get to experience this amazing kid whom I have  had the pleasure of knowing and watched evolved for the past 20 years and I look forward to continuing to witness that evolution.

Links:

Royal’T TopMC remixes Jay-Z/Kanye West’ “Otis” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nkz2yposXto

Commercial Appeal write-up: http://www.gomemphis.com/news/2011/oct/20/royalt-staking-out-place-among-new-hip-hop-crop/#

(“60 Seconds” Live From Memphis): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNi45jlZ6Kg

The Memphis Flyer write-up: http://www.memphisflyer.com/memphis/the-evolution-of-royalt/Content?oid=3068018

Well here is another one. This time, however, it is my nephew T.J. stage name “Royal’T TopMC” taking the Youtube Plunge. As many of you know or may not know, T.J. produced the majority of the music on “Tricks.” He was just starting out then, but since we really didn’t have a budget for music, we had to rely on the talent of family and friends and thankfully that worked out.

Since that time, he has come a long way. Over the past year and half, he has built up quite a following on the Hip Hop scene. He has received high praise from the Memphis Flyer and was voted by Memphis Magazine as one the top MC’s to watch out for in the time to come. He will also be featured on the highly coveted Live From Memphis’ “60 Seconds.”

In saying that, shooting this video was fun but intense. Although T.J. is my nephew, we act more like older sister, younger brother and we both have very strong personalities. So to say that we bumped heads on the creative path of this is an understatement. When he was reviewing the footage, he found it quite humorous how much we could be heard bickering during the outtakes. I wanted him to try some things he didn’t want to try or he wanted me to shoot some things I didn’t think went with the theme of the video. But in the end, when he saw it, he thought it was “dope” (his words). So that made my day.

He will be dropping his first official album at his very first album release party this Saturday (Oct. 22nd) at the Hi-Tone on Poplar (1913 Poplar) which also happens to be the day he was born.

So if you can, please come out and support. It’s $5.00 to get in and $5.00 for the album. The doors open at 9:00 p.m.

Click on the link below to see the video and I hope you enjoy it.

“Otis” by Royal’T TopMC

- DeAara

Sometimes I feel sad that I have yet to find true love, and sometimes, I wonder is there something wrong with me.  I’ve asked myself why do I seek out mates who betray me so deeply towards the end?  Is there a part of me that is mimicking the relationship my parents had.  Am I trying to find the validation in my relationships that I really crave from my father?

Sometimes I feel angry at God for what happened to my friend Rod – how he went into instant paralysis a year ago and still remains that way as of now.  Uncertainty has been the staple point in my life for quite a while.  From betrayal and being sold-out to having to file bankruptcy to dealing with illness amongst my friends and family as well as myself and to say that I feel overwhelmed sometimes is an understatement.

In saying all of this, I have a dog named Ebony who is quite interesting.  She’s very territorial and very smart.  She’s fierce and doesn’t trust easy, but if she gets to know you and sense that you are good, you have a friend for life.  She’s a bit arrogant and although obedient, sometimes she just does simply what she wants to do – damn the consequences.  She doesn’t really care for dog food and just like her chow nature, she is a true hunter.  I can’t tell you how many birds, squirrels or even rats have fallen prey to her primal nature.  She’s also very protective.  Weighing only 35 pounds, I have seen her scatter a group of local thugs due to her ferociousness and she’s not just a barker – she will back it up and attack if she feels threatened and she’s a pretty good fighter I must say.

Today, I learned my beloved dog, Ebony, who I took in simply to avoid her being given to the pound, possibly has canine breast cancer.  I was devastated.  It felt like the final straw to a colossal roller coaster ride.  Was something trying to break me?  Has somebody been working roots on me?  Why the fuck is all of this shit happening right at the time it seems that I am working so hard on myself?  Today, I really felt like giving up.  I know that I’m a good person.  I make mistakes, but I go hard for the people who I love even if I piss them off, so why is all of this happening to me, I really found myself wondering today.

Then, as if the Universe heard my questions, something came to me.  When I picked Ebony up from the veterinarian, she was her usual chipper, bubbly self.  If she does have breast cancer, you wouldn’t know it by her behavior.  She’s almost ten years old and has the energy of a pup.  When I bend and put my hands on my knees, she just sprints towards me and you can rub her all night and she won’t get tired of it.  When I went through my break up, she was there.  I was sitting on the couch crying my eyes out and although she wasn’t supposed to be on the couch and she knew this, instinctively, she just jumped up there, licked my face and then just sat with me.  She didn’t try to play, she didn’t try to get me to pet her, she just sat there as if she knew I just needed some support.  And here she was today with that same genuine, bubbly spirit, just appreciating the world for what it is.

She could be dying, but her attitude doesn’t display that.  She’s just full of love.  She’s not sitting back worried about whether the cells in her breast are going to turn cancerous, whether she is going to lose a breast, whether she is going to have to have chemo.  I don’t think she has a concept of any of this.  She is just living.  And if ever I sense that she is feeling down, I will sit with her, as she did with me and let her know that she has a friend and I will go hard for her, like I do everyone I love, until she takes her last breath.

So yes, I am going through a tough time right now, but all I have to do is look at Ebony and she gives me hope and courage to continue on my path. If, with her diagnosis, she can still be so excited about life, I see I really don’t have an excuse.

“Procrastination is the grave in which opportunity is buried.”  I’m not sure who said this, but it is an extremely true statement.

Procrastination has been the ugly monster in the corner for most of my life.  It was shocking to learn that many people who do procrastinate are also perfectionist.  Anyone who has ever worked with me could probably vouch for that.  My sister teasingly calls me a slave driver because I won’t stop until it is as close to perfect as it can get.  But that same enthusiasm can be hard to crank up, especially when things are not flowing the way I think they should.  When I get creative blocks, they can last for months if I don’t do anything about them.  Some of my ideas have even taken years to come to fruition because I dragged my foot about them.

Finally, I had to take a long hard look at my behavior because it was counter-productive.  I finally noticed the clock ticking, my window of opportunity closing and I knew it was time to get busy quick.  Most of it went back to fear.  Fear of change, fear of failure and mainly fear of success.  I use to dismiss that idea whenever I heard it, thinking that didn’t apply to me.  I mean, who wouldn’t want to be successful?  It’s a lot better than being financially strapped.  But as I started to go inside and unlayer why it took me so long to start on projects, I discovered a lot.  A fear that I was running out of time, fear I would fail, fear I would be rejected, fear I would be bored, fear it would take forever to even get started, fear I would be overwhelmed, fear that things would work out and my life would pass me by, fear that I would hit very well and I wouldn’t be able to top myself, fear I would leave those I love behind.

Weirdly enough, once I got started on something, it was tough to pull me off.  It was just the cranking myself up that proved to be difficult.  Now I had to cut myself some slack.  I work a full-time job and am working on side projects for other people.  So my creative real estate is often rented out to others when I’m trying to access it for myself.  I’m also taking a shit load of professional development courses so that I can better understand and implement certain things on my projects and usually by the end of the day, that wipes me out too.

So armed with all this information, I made some choices recently.  I made the choice to set some real goals, exactly what I want and start creating mini goals to get there.  A great portion of goal accomplishment is working through the blocks and often times, I struggle in that department, but I have to force myself to do it.  I also have to begin with the end in mind and head for the abyss/the unknown.  Is that scary as fuck?  Hell yes!  I’m changing my entire life.  Anything that I find comfortable, I now question whether or not it is really serving me.

I come from a city where there is a lot of talent, but not a lot of ambition.  So sadly this, “Hurry up and wait” attitude was modeled for me at a very young age.  There are many with big dreams and they shout their dreams to the top of world, but their actions betray their words.  I know some artist who have told me how far they want to go, but involve themselves with a mate who is comfortable here.  Or they become irresponsible with drugs, sex or both.  They have children whom they cannot support and are forced to give up or drastically limit what they want to do.

Thankfully, we live in a time where it is much easier for women to still go for their dreams full throttle and toat the little ones along, but sadly it is very difficult (not impossible) to do without emotional and financial support.  It also difficult to do when involved with a mate of limited thinking.  I lost years off of my own path consuming myself with past boyfriends who did not understand me or what I wanted.  To them, I wasn’t normal and although thankfully I’ve never dated anyone who tried to hold me back, I did find myself dating people who just didn’t get me nor understand the mind, habits and behavior of artistic people or their lifestyle in general. I often joke that to be an artist carries a certain amount of neurosis that the average person simply will not understand. And I can honestly say that I would be much further along had it not been for the constant distractions I let in dealing with men who did not understand me, my quirks or my vision…and if I wasn’t chasing up behind them trying to force them see accept me too.

To this day, I see talented actors, still quite young, never leaving the city to see could they make it in the bigger city.  I see talented singers who want a shot at the big time, try a few times and then give up when it doesn’t happen right away or when a producer cuts them off.  The most frustrating trend lately I’ve been seeing are talented artist in the many vessels of art not learning how to promote themselves.  We live in a time that never before did we have at our fingertips what we have now – the internet.

But I can’t tell you how many artist don’t know HTML or CSS or even Photoshop.  Just some basic things to help them position themselves.  Or the ones who do, instead building relationships choose to SPAM instead. And the ones who only go to sites like Twitter or Facebook when they have an event to promote, but never come back just to engage with people and wonder why nobody shows up.  It doesn’t work like that folks.  Just like in real life, grassroots marketing starts with relationships.  And you have to be just as genuinely interested in those other people as you want them to be in you.

Let’s not forget the main dish – the product.  That’s a major annoyance.  It doesn’t have to look perfect, but at least let it be professional.  Musicians, get your music professionally mastered.  Work with either a professional photographer or one that has a good eye and understands the art of light.  Filmmakers, invest in good sound and good actors.  Don’t just cast people because they are your friends.  Do market research, find a different way to tell a story.  There are probably 1 million stories done about the mafia and “Scarface”, if you choose to be 1 million and 1, find a unique angle that has never been dealt with before.  Although everything has already been done, every angle has not been examined.  Do professional development, study other screenplays.  If your goal is to be commercially successful (singers included too), study the market.  See what is trending.  It doesn’t mean you have to do what they are doing, but it will give you deeper intelligence into your competition so you can strategize on ways to stand out.

Know that procrastination is usually based in fear.  So do whatever you have to do to get the roots of that fear and pluck it and if all else fails DO IT SCARED AND DO IT EVEN IF YOU ARE UNMOTIVATED!  The motivation usually kicks in when you see progress is being made.

Actors, get professional head shots.  Learn a (published) dramatic and comedic monologue and being able to rip it when asked.  If you want a shot at the big time, know that most likely you are going to have to leave Memphis (or whatever small time city you may come from).  Writers…LIVE!  If you’ve never lived, you have nothing to write about.  Embrace life’s setbacks as more material.  Read the papers, study court cases, read books, listen to music and keep writing.

Lastly, don’t wait to be discovered.  This works for some, but not most.  If you can’t afford a publicist, become your own until you can.  Know that you will make mistakes, know that you will piss some reporters off (I know I have), but that’s how you learn.  Learn marketing and advertising.  Bring people on your team who are passionate about you, your success and limit your mental space to the ones who aren’t.

If you are in a relationship that brings more drama than peace – let it go!  It will be difficult to get anything done always having to worry about someone else’s actions.  And I’m a living testament to that.  If you have friends who focus more on your shortcomings than they do your accomplishments, you may want to reconsider those friendships.  It’s a distraction.

And know that you will fail.  Anybody who doesn’t fail, doesn’t know what real success looks like.  But whatever you do, DO SOMETHING!  It’s nice to sit around with our friends and converse about life over cappucino’s at Starbucks, but eventually, if you want a different life, you are going to have to do some different things.  And start by saying “No!” to procrastination.

I had people who were extremely supportive, who were inspired, who were ecstatic, who were thankful that I told “their” story and there were some others who were jealous, some who turned on me and some who felt it was their God-given duty to point out all of the flaws of the film to me and to anyone else who would listen.  I’ve been rejected a number of times because of the subject matter of the film, but it sold out at the majority of screenings, on my website and in stores so I had a feeling I wasn’t that much off base.  Of course this made it somewhat difficult because it was tough to know what to keep and what to discard when faced with criticism.  What was genuinely meant for me and what was strictly about that other person’s own projections?  To this day, that is tough to call.

Then I started doing what I always do when I conclude a project, start working on the next one.  But this time, I was way more armed and less green than I was when I started out with “Tricks.”  My family and I decided to move some of our content online to build up awareness and a following while we work on our main projects.  I didn’t realize how much I had learned over the past few years and my knowledge directly correlated with some of the success we’ve been recently having.  My sister’s  cover songs are gaining momentum, her rendition of “Motivation” secured a solid 900 views in less that one week.  That’s small to some people, but we’re just starting out, so that was like hitting a small jack-pot on a scratch off ticket for us.  My ideas were working, I wasn’t as naive as I thought I was and we haven’t even started to implement 10% of the marketing we are planning to do.  I was ecstatic!  So ecstatic, I got sick.  I mean literally sick.  I started having various body pains, a constant sore throat, migraines, chest pains, and anxiety attacks about my mortality which landed me in several doctor’s offices for a few weeks.

When I finally dealt with this with my Life Coach, I realized that I was not afraid of failing, I was afraid of succeeding.  Deathly afraid.  Failing, I’ve done enough of that to know what it feels like, what to expect and what my distractions would be.  My imagination would whisk me away and I would go into its incubator until I was healed enough to come out and try again.  Although it was disappointing, it was comfortable.  I didn’t have to worry about ridicule, criticism, unjust personal attacks, losing friends or relationships, rejection, expectations, or trying to appease people as a way to apologize for my ambition – as long as I was at the bottom I was comfortable, I was not a target.

This is still something I am making peace with.  I have had my equal share of successes and failures in life.  One thing that I think is innate, a part of my DNA is that I never stop.  I didn’t even notice this, it was my Life Coach and my father who pointed this out to me.  I’ve been going full speed ahead since I graduated from college and what I have gained over the years is the power of patience, clarity and perspective.  I learned that if I am brutally honest with myself at all times, beyond the sky is the limit for me.  I learned to trust my instincts and to account for chaos.  Just like casinos factor theft into their bottom line profits, I have to factor in being let down, deceived, betrayed and rejected into my own.  I have to factor in I will also let some people down and I too will make mistakes along the way.  It’s just the nature of the beast and there is really no getting around it.  The best I will be able to do is hold myself accountable when I do fuck up, forgive myself and move on.  And that’s the best I can and will do for other people.

In knowing this, much of my bliss is truly bliss again.  And my change in perspective was recently tested when I got attacked on Twitter a few weeks ago.  Somebody who I’ve never met (I don’t think), who was not even my friend sent me a message saying that my film flopped and flung a host of insults at me.  This out-the-blue over a comment they claimed I made about Beyonce (which I didn’t, at least not on Twitter).  Initially, I attacked back.  I got completely hijacked and insulted this person with equal venom.  Then something clicked in my head and I realized, I have professional contacts on my Twitter page, this is not the type of reputation I want and who cares what some person who was blatantly hiding their identity thought about me or my work?  Of course I encouraged this person to have a talk with me face-to-face, but in reality, I’m not trying to fight anybody.   Although I am a trained fighter, I fight so I don’t have to fight, not so I can rise to the occasion of every idiot who feels empowered because they are hiding behind a computer.  So I blocked this person, removed all of the exchanges between us and let it go.  I had never felt as empowered as I felt in that moment that I decided that was a no-thing.   I didn’t have to defend my decision, defend my work, defend who I was – I just said, “Fuck it.”

Through the work I’ve been doing, “Fuck it,” is becoming a motto of sorts for me.  Stress is the number one killer in America.  It causes heart disease, cancer, stroke, premature aging and all around a very unhappy life.   I’m not perfect, but after going through all the medical roller coasters I’ve gone through this year, I really have to guard my psyche.  Some things I cannot afford to give a fuck about anymore.  And that includes things and people I cannot control or change.